13 Things I Wish I Knew in My 20s

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Your 20s may be the hardest decade, not the best

  Mel calls the 'world is your oyster' pep talk nonsense; her own 20s were the most confusing, overwhelming years of her life. She cried more then than in any other decade, even after being diagnosed with anxiety and put on Zoloft. You have your act together more than you realize, so give yourself credit.

• 02

  'The great scattering' explains why you feel lost

  From birth to about 20, you and your friends follow the same playbook: same grades, milestones, routines, even spring break, with an older class showing you what's next. In your 20s that template disintegrates and everyone scatters to different cities, jobs and timelines. Losing your frame of reference for progress is why the decade feels out of control, regardless of how polished other people's Instagram stories look.

• 03

  Stop spending money on stupid stuff

  Her only money advice. Your phone is 'the new mall' with three-second ad-to-purchase loops, and most impulse buys are attempts to soothe boredom, sadness or stress with a dopamine hit. She is blunt about influencers: the one selling a $300 red light mask likely got it free, earns a commission, and gets Botox. Spend instead on experiences, skills, your wellbeing or therapy, things you'll actually remember.

• 04

  You have more time than social media suggests

  Mel says today's pressure is worse than in her day for two reasons: social media makes success look overnight, and people compare themselves to their parents' timelines. She married at 27 and had Sawyer by 30, but her daughters' path is different. She worries couples rush engagements into reality-show moments without asking whether the relationship fits them now. Her line: 'be where your feet are, not where your phone is.'

• 05

  Date the person, not their potential

  If you're constantly griping in your head about what you wish your partner would change, you're dating a projection. You can make clear, compassionate requests, then let their behavior show you who they are. Ask: if this person never changes, is this the relationship I want? Mel regrets spending her entire 20s in relationships out of insecurity and missing time with female friends.

• 06

  Life isn't fair, so never play the victim

  A friend's dad gets her a job, a college acquaintance summers in Europe, your sister gets the attention at the bar. Mel agrees it's unfair, but says resentment and 'why not me' only stop you living your own life. A single day or moment can change your entire course, so trust where things are heading.

• 07

  Measure career wins by your circle, not your paycheck

  Money comes from people: job offers, loans, promotions and introductions all come from another human. Titles and raises don't matter much long term, but connections do. Mel challenges listeners to talk to one new person every day and go beyond hello. Your network is simply the conversations you're willing to have.

• 08

  You don't get to want it if you won't ask for it

  Roommates, partners and friends can't read your mind, and passive-aggressive texts or drunk conversations don't count. Whether it's dirty dishes, a partner's nicotine habit or friends blasting music after the bars, ask directly like an adult. Mel says you'll feel more in control whether or not you get what you want, because silent brooding tears you apart.

• 09

  Be your own person, and try doing things alone

  Stop pretending to like things you don't, including drinking. You can order club soda in a wine glass at a bar. After following the pack for 20 years you may not know who you are, and the fastest way to find out is solo: dinner with a Kindle, a movie, an improv or painting class, yoga teacher training. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation for every other one.

• 10

  You're not in competition with anyone

  Mel didn't learn this until her late 40s. Success, love and friendship are in limitless supply; your only competition is the part of you that talks to you badly. When a friend gets engaged or promoted, 'grab your pom poms' and celebrate even if you're jealous. She believes cheering shows you know your win is coming too.

• 11

  Take the biggest risks of your life now, but shrink them if needed

  Change is the only constant, so decide your big moves before friends' choices force your hand. Look at who you're jealous of for clues to what you want. If the full dream is too much, do a mini version: five nights alone on part of the Appalachian Trail instead of a girls' trip, PTO volunteering on a farm, a free Canva account to start designing journals.