4 Important Life Lessons I Learned the Hard Way (So That You Don’t Have To)
- Guest
- —
- Read time
- ~4 min
- Uploaded
- 28 Dec 2023
- Duration
- 0:42:27
- Views
- 79.7K
KEYPOINTS
- 01
A bonus lesson: meaningful change only comes when you slow down
Mel admits she is not someone who sits with a cup of tea, yet she found that the changes you choose for yourself, the ones that take insight and some courage, surface in still moments: a long walk, a hike, a solo road trip, a hot shower. Letting your mind wander is when ideas bubble up from the subconscious. Her way is coffee, a deep breath and a journal.
- 02
An annual audit of the past year comes before any plan
For more than a decade Mel has reviewed her last 12 months before planning work, marriage or life. A year earlier she did it privately with Chris and the kids and saw that 2022 nearly broke her, so she committed to making 2023 about healing and happiness. The four lessons here are what that year taught her.
- 03
Lesson 1: 'Drop the sword' and stop fighting your own happiness
Deciding to be happy didn't make life cooperate; it handed her situations to practice on. Working with her therapist, she realized she brought a sword to every situation, braced for what might go wrong. Picturing gripping a sword makes your body tense; picturing dropping it softens your energy. You can always pick it back up if you truly need to fight.
- 04
Bracing blocks happiness in small, everyday moments
Mel's examples: tensing when your mother or boss calls, bracing as you walk into work, fuming in a coffee line because the person ahead is ordering six drinks, or getting tense because someone hasn't texted back. Stop hunting for what's wrong, assuming things won't work out, and complaining, and you make room for good things.
- 05
Lesson 2: Forget balance and focus on boundaries
Balance assumes every part of life carries equal weight, which puts work, kids and self-care in competition and breeds resentment: you resent a demanding job you love, or your kids when you come home exhausted. Boundaries are active choices based on your top priority and needs in the moment. Balance is something you wish for; boundaries are something you create.
- 06
Your boundaries are for you, and they only work if you say them out loud
Boundaries mark where you say yes and no and reveal what matters to you. People aren't mind readers, so a boundary only works if you communicate it. Paradoxically, Mel says, good boundaries make life feel more balanced, because everything fits where it should.
- 07
Lesson 3: Frustration is a sign you're growing
Frustration doesn't mean things are terrible or that you're broken; it means you've outgrown a situation, system or habit. Mel was frustrated that her 40s habits stopped working in her 50s and in menopause, and concluded she needed to upgrade them. Stop aiming frustration at yourself and treat it as a signal that something has to change.
- 08
Lesson 4: Real change takes a full year
Mel borrows this from her kids, who told a caller whose daughter was anxious and lonely after a sophomore-year move, 'you've got to give it a year.' She applies it to the podcast, the new studios, moving to Vermont and sorting out her gut and hormone health: a year of stopping, starting and experimenting with systems can change your whole life.
EXAMPLES
- 01
The phone boundary at home
To be more present with family, Mel's rule was that her phone isn't on her body when she's with them: in her bag when out, plugged in in the bathroom or kitchen at home. She didn't spend more time with her family than the year before, but was present for it. She cites research on 'phubbing' (phone snubbing) covered by the New York Times: it makes people feel ostracized and less trusting, and spreads, since when Chris scrolls she's tempted to scroll too.
- 02
The coffee boundary
Inspired by Dr. Amy Shah's three appearances on the show, including research on caffeine and adenosine and the gut's role in estrogen and hormone health, Mel went from four to five cups a day to one. She drinks 16 ounces of water on waking, waits at least 90 minutes for coffee, has it with breakfast rather than on an empty stomach, and reports feeling less bloated and more focused.
- 03
The 90-hour weeks
The podcast became the fifth most-followed show of the year on Apple Podcasts, unexpected for a '55-year-old mother of three' who'd never launched one. In a year meant for healing she worked about 90 hours a week, always behind and reinventing the wheel. Slowing down showed her the small team had outgrown its launch systems, which led to new studios in Boston.
- 04
The same fight with Kendall
Her 23-year-old daughter flew home from Los Angeles, and within an hour they were bickering in their familiar dynamic. Mel reads it as a process problem she can address from her side, by dropping the sword or using the Let Them Theory, rather than as proof something is wrong.
OTHER RELEVANT
- 01
Try it for 24 hours: notice where you're holding a sword
In each situation, ask whether you're bracing for what happens next. When you catch it, consciously drop it and soften into the moment.
- 02
Use the three Ps when you're frustrated: project, process, people
Turn the frustration into a project instead of something personal. Identify the broken process, which could be how you communicate, organize your work or run a meeting. Then look at the people, starting with yourself, and ask whether you've outgrown the people or just the dynamic.
- 03
Treat stalled habits as outdated systems, not personal failure
Habits are repeated processes. If your health efforts aren't sticking, change how you shop for groceries, what's in the fridge or your morning routine, or put a new habit on a Post-it on your mirror. Build systems for where you're going, not where you are.
- 04
Check whether to change your people or your dynamic
Frustration at work or at home can mean you need different support, or simply a different way of being around the same people. Slowing down lets you respond strategically rather than emotionally.