3 Questions to Ask Yourself to Figure Out What You Really Want

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Three questions from Stanford's 'Designing Your Life' course can show you what you actually want next.

  Mel walks through the Odyssey Plan from Stanford professors Bill Burnett and Dave Evans, who have taught the hugely popular course for 15 years and wrote the book Designing Your Life. The questions: (1) What does life look like if you stay on your current path? (2) If that path disappeared tomorrow, what would you do? (3) What would life look like if nothing were holding you back? Her pitch is that you're capable, and your mindset is what's holding you back.

• 02

  Q1: Project your current path five years out, honestly and without judgment.

  If nothing changes about your job, home, major, friends, relationship and daily routine, where does it lead? Mel notes this isn't a dream-life visualization. It's a mirror, and she asks you to treat the question as neutral, like checking the route on a road trip. If you're grinding your teeth, waking up with a sore shoulder and running on 15 cups of coffee, picture that for three more years.

• 03

  Many people 'slide' into a life they didn't choose.

  Mel's example is a friend dating a genuinely good person after dozens of dates without a spark. Play it forward: a year later you're living together, two years later you feel you have to get engaged 'because here we are.' The same goes for staying in a major you've already paid for because you don't want to admit you've changed your mind.

• 04

  Q1 can also confirm you're on a good path.

  Mel ran her own habits forward: 100 grams of protein a day, resistance training, and reaching out to a friend daily. Five years out, she sees energy, aging well, being able to lift a suitcase into the overhead bin at 90, dancing at her grandkids' weddings, and staying connected.

• 05

  Q2, the 'rug-pull' question, is meant to free you, not scare you.

  If your job, business or role vanished tomorrow, what's the first step you'd take? Plan B is usually already there, but we wait for Plan A to blow up before considering it. Mel also applies it to caregivers: if the kids were at school and your parents were cared for, what would you want to do with your time? Freelance, start a business, learn a skill? Running this drill early gives you options before you get fired or a friendship fades.

• 06

  Q3: if money, other people's opinions and guilt weren't factors, what would you do?

  Mel says the single biggest obstacle usually isn't money. It's fear of what people will think. This is where the Let Them idea applies: let them laugh at your dream. Write the answer down even if it sounds silly.

• 07

  You're happiest living by your own inner values.

  Mel cites a 2015 study by Tim Kasser of Knox College, published in the Journal of Positive Psychology: people focused on contribution, connection, relationships and meaning reported higher life satisfaction and less anxiety than people chasing status or wealth.

• 08

  Picturing your future vividly increases commitment and progress.

  A University of Munich study in Current Psychology found that forming vivid images of your future boosted positive emotion, which helped people set worthwhile goals, commit to them and make more progress.

• 09

  Change your path with one small habit, then test it cheaply.

  Adding a single daily habit, like writing, walking, or 15 minutes researching something that interests you, changes where you're heading. Then try the dream out small: talk to someone who lives the life, take a short trip, or 'cruise' a town on Google Street View. Seeing what matters also exposes where you're wasting time and money.