Don’t Learn This Too Late: Make An Authentic Life Now, By Getting Real About The End

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Thinking about your death shows you clearly who you want to be

  Alua Arthur, a death doula and founder of Going with Grace, calls her death her 'best advisor' and 'greatest motivator'. Picturing herself on her deathbed shows her how she is spending her time and whether she is pleased with it; if not, the fact that she is still alive means she can change it. Her line: 'I'm going to be the one who has to meet myself on my deathbed.'

• 02

  Silence about death doesn't stop it, it only leaves you unprepared

  She says we avoid death because it brings up fear, inadequacy and the certainty of future pain, and some people fear that talking about it will bring it on. Her answer: 'Talking about sex won't make you pregnant, and talking about death won't make you dead.' Not talking just means everything goes unexamined when the time comes.

• 03

  A death doula supports anyone who recognizes their mortality

  Alua describes the role as non-medical emotional, logistical, practical and spiritual support for the dying person and their circle: helping healthy people write end-of-life plans, supporting people with a serious diagnosis, working alongside hospice near the end, and helping families wrap up affairs afterwards. Many planning clients come after a parent's or friend's death turned into 'a mess'.

• 04

  When someone is ill or dying, lead with 'I don't know what to say'

  Rather than filling the space with platitudes, she suggests admitting you don't know what to say, acknowledging that it sounds really hard, and asking how they're doing with the news. Avoid 'it'll be okay' (it may not be) and 'I know what you're going through' (you don't). Keep the focus on their experience, keep asking questions and let them steer — even if they'd rather talk about the Kardashians.

• 05

  Practical talk about belongings is a doorway, not a deflection

  Mel worried her mother's focus on clearing out the house in Michigan was avoidance. Alua says it's an entry point: objects carry memories ('I got this in 1967') that lead to deeper conversation. You might ask whether an object is how she'd like to be remembered. How people talk about cremation — 'I can't think of myself burning' — also reveals how they see the self and body.

• 06

  Use deaths around you, and celebrity deaths, to start the talk

  For a stoic parent, ask about friends who have died: what happened, how they felt about it. Celebrity deaths work too — around Aretha Franklin's funeral, a group of Black elders Alua was with laid out their own plans on the spot (no glass coffin, no shoes). Funerals, like weddings, show people what they would and wouldn't want.

• 07

  The most common deathbed regrets

  In her experience, regrets center on authenticity (living for parents, society, a partner or kids rather than yourself), how time was spent (too much at the office, not enough doing what they loved) and, far more often, not showing up for the people they loved — not saying 'I love you', 'thank you' or 'please forgive me'.

• 08

  Don't make the dead into saints

  Dying doesn't undo someone's impact, she says, and you don't have to forgive just because a person is dying. Glowing obituaries where everyone 'lit up the room' disenfranchise the grief of people who experienced the person differently. Honest grieving includes what you got from the relationship and what it took from you; sometimes healing is reconciling your own choice rather than speaking forgiveness.

• 09

  Grief changes form and can become fuel

  Alua says grief never leaves, it changes form. Hers came out as anger — an emotion she says women, and especially Black women facing the 'angry' trope, are taught to swap for sadness. She was angry at the medical system and how society handles dying, and that anger led her to train as a doula and build a company. She's careful to say she isn't 'bright-siding' the loss.