Steps You Need to Protect Your ENERGY and Create a Positive Life | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Other people's bad moods splash onto you like a wet dog shaking

  Mel's image: your dog rolls in mud or a rotting fish on the beach, runs over and shakes, and it all lands on you. An all-caps text, a panicky email or a stranger's tirade works the same way. Listener Veronica asked how to hear colleagues' panicked, angry emails without her fine day turning into panic and anger too — Mel's answer is that you have to actively protect your energy.

• 02

  The people you vent at usually aren't responsible for the problem

  Whether it's a hotel clerk or a coworker absorbing someone's stress about Q4 numbers and a difficult client, Mel says the person on the receiving end almost never caused the thing that's broken. She sees no reason not to ask for help politely, and notes that bullying works often enough — people who are mean at the front desk sometimes get the better room — which is exactly why it drains everyone.

• 03

  First tool: breathe 4-7-8

  Breathe in for four seconds, hold for seven, and exhale for eight. Mel says she doesn't remember who developed it, but has read that the long exhale is the key part because breathing out longer than you breathed in signals your nervous system that it's okay to relax. She uses it when she doesn't have the energy to confront someone.

• 04

  Second tool: put them in a snow globe

  Picture the person having their tantrum inside a snow globe, with all the shaken-up glitter as their negative energy. It stays in there with them, gives you objectivity, and frankly lets you laugh rather than absorb it. Mel says she'd used it just the night before recording.

• 05

  A tantrum means someone can't tolerate their own emotions

  Mel distinguishes two kinds of 'jerks': the entitled ones who are rude to waiters and clerks because that's how they've always treated people, and the emotionally immature ones who are under pressure and explode because they lack a mature way to handle stress. Either way, the eruption is about their inability to hold negative feelings, not about you.

• 06

  Moods are biologically contagious — bad ones more so

  Mel explains that connection releases oxytocin while being around a hostile person triggers cortisol, the stress hormone, which is why we describe such people as 'toxic'. She cites a study by scientists at Oxford and Birmingham universities finding that bad moods spread more readily than good ones, and describes mirror neurons that read faces and tone in fractions of a second — the reason you tear up at a sad film, and why a sustained, toothy smile usually gets one back within five seconds.

• 07

  Managers shape mental health as much as partners do

  Mel cites a Workforce Institute at UKG study of 3,400 people in 10 countries: 69% said their manager had the greatest impact on their mental health — on par with their spouse or partner, and more than their doctor or therapist. That's why listener Kay's toxic workplace matters, and why she can act.

• 08

  You can call out rude behavior directly

  Walk down the hall or call: 'Is something going on with you? This isn't like you, and the tone of that email felt demeaning.' Or: 'I'm happy to help, but only if you speak to me respectfully.' Mel's kids used to tell her, 'Don't take work out on me — I don't work with you.' If it's consistent, document it and go to HR.

• 09

  Gossip harms the gossiper too

  Mel says engaging in gossip — dishing, listening or retelling how you were wronged — spikes adrenaline and cortisol and puts you in fight-or-flight, which research links to feeling helpless, angry and anxious. She cites Georgia Tech research that about one in seven of the roughly 112 emails a corporate worker sends daily is gossip, and a UC Riverside study finding men engage in tear-down gossip as much as women.