This One Study Will Change How You Think About Your Entire Life: The Cornell Legacy Project

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Older people are an untapped source of practical life advice.

  After about 25 years as a gerontologist, Karl Pillemer realized in his early 50s that he had only studied 'older people as problems.' So he asked what they know that younger people don't. He points out that only in the last 150 years or so have people stopped going to the oldest person they knew for advice. Anthropological research shows elders, who knew what to do in a drought or famine, were key to human survival. Today's highly age-segregated society risks losing that knowledge.

• 02

  The near-universal lesson: life is short, so you can't put it off.

  The older people were, the more likely they were to say 'life is really, really short.' One retired engineer said it passed by 'in a nanosecond.' A 99-year-old told him, 'next thing you know you're 100.' Knowing you don't have 50 more years narrows the focus to what matters.

• 03

  No one wished they had more things. People value people and experiences.

  Not a single person among the thousands interviewed said they wished they had spent more time accumulating possessions. The things within your control: invest time in relationships, value experiences over stuff, and make a daily decision to set mindless worry aside.

• 04

  Stop worrying about what you can't control.

  Picture '2,000 grandparents yelling at you' to stop worrying, because you'll regret wasting the time. You can't control exactly how your kids turn out, how your aging parents treat you, or how long you'll live 'no matter how much you believe in body hacking.' Focus your action on what you can control.

• 05

  Lesson 1: always be honest, 'fair and square.'

  Mel admits it sounds like a cliché, but deception, and being betrayed, were deep sources of regret. Mel also connects honesty with yourself: admitting you're unhappy in your job, your major or your habits is the first step to changing.

• 06

  Lesson 2: unless you have a compelling reason to say no, say yes.

  When offered a new responsibility or opportunity, let your default be yes even if it takes you out of your comfort zone. 'Thousands of people told me this': you are much more likely to regret what you didn't do than what you did.

• 07

  Lesson 3: travel more, and cram it in.

  Travel, big or small, became some of the richest memories. Don't wait for retirement or the perfect time.

• 08

  Lesson 4: choose a partner with extreme care.

  Don't rush. Take all the time you need to get to know the person and judge long-term compatibility. Pillemer notes that surveys still show most young people want a lifelong marriage, even if they marry later or live together first.

• 09

  Lesson 5: say it now.

  Some of the deepest regrets were not saying 'I love you' more and not asking for forgiveness, 'a truly time-limited possibility.' Waiting for the right moment is like wearing a heavy backpack. Mel and Chris have a rule: don't go to bed angry. They talk it through and apologize first.

• 10

  Use 'anticipatory regret' to avoid family estrangement.

  Many estrangements develop slowly from small cuts and resentment. Permanently estranged older people said, 'I need a time machine.' Ask yourself: if I let this happen, will I regret it? A sibling cutoff ripples down the generations, meaning cousins who don't know each other and no reunions. Pillemer says that where there's abuse or real danger, stepping back is right, ideally with professional help, but those are a minority of cases.

• 11

  Older people are happier on average, partly by choice, and your midlife habits matter.

  Across hundreds of studies, people over 60 to 65 report more happiness than younger people, despite accumulating losses. Elders describe consciously choosing to be happy: focusing on what works and savoring small things. On health, he warns that the risk isn't dropping dead but spending a decade or two with burdensome chronic disease, so heart-healthy habits in your 30s to 50s count.