World Leading Therapist: Why You Feel Stuck in Life & How to Get Unstuck

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  People come to therapy wanting someone else to change

  Lori Gottlieb, a therapist, New York Times 'Ask the Therapist' columnist and author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, says the request is the same whether it comes from patients, column letters or podcast listeners: 'they want to feel better' by changing another person. You can't change someone else, but you can influence them by doing something different yourself. She doesn't deny that difficult people exist. Her point is that we play a role in what keeps us stuck.

• 02

  The way you narrate your life shapes its quality

  She calls that role our 'story.' Change the way you talk to yourself and you immediately change the story, which changes 'what happens on the next page.' Insight alone is useless, though. 'If you don't take action out in the world,' nothing changes.

• 03

  Many of our stories were handed to us

  Childhood labels like 'the sensitive one' versus 'the easygoing sister' become roles we keep playing as adults without realizing it. Often the label reflects the parent's own story, for instance one who grew up in a family where feelings weren't allowed. Gottlieb reframes 'too sensitive' as 'a keen observer' who notices what the rest of the family denies.

• 04

  An outsized reaction signals a story underneath

  Your feelings are valid, she says, but check their size. If it's 80° in the room, it's hot, but does it feel like 95 to you? If your 'thermostat is off,' some story about yourself is probably being triggered, like 'of course I can't find a partner who treats me well.'

• 05

  We collect evidence for our story and drop what contradicts it

  Like a detective with a thesis, we fixate on what supports 'I'm being dumped' and leave out anything that doesn't. Her antidote is to deliberately look for counterexamples. Stories are rarely 'always' or 'never.'

• 06

  Offer wise compassion, not idiot compassion

  She borrows the Buddhist term 'idiot compassion': avoiding rocking the boat to spare someone's feelings even when the boat needs rocking. Telling a friend who fears being fired 'you deserve a better boss' is idiot compassion if you know they haven't been trying. Wise compassion gently holds up a mirror: 'It seems like you haven't really been invested in that job.'

• 07

  The person you talk to most is you, so ask whether it's kind, true and useful

  Mel guesses she talks most to her husband or her executive producer, Tracy. Gottlieb says it's actually yourself, all day long. She tests self-talk with three questions: is it kind, is it true, is it useful? For a 'never good enough' story, she suggests not globalizing one shortfall, finding a few counterexamples, and walking into the world assuming you are good enough.

• 08

  Change and loss travel together

  Even good changes, like starting to exercise or moving, mean grieving what you're giving up, such as a familiar lifestyle or habit. Not expecting that grief is part of why people slide back. Her own therapist compared her to a cartoon prisoner shaking the bars of a cell that's open on both sides. Walking around the bars means taking responsibility, which means change.

• 09

  Anxiety is living in the past or the future, narrated as a horror story

  Anxiety means you aren't in the present. We tell catastrophic stories: 'my boss doesn't like my work,' 'people are talking about me.' The alternative is asking 'this happened, what can I do about it now?' She describes feelings as a compass pointing to important information.