How to Create a New Version of Yourself: Let Go of Past Mistakes & Regret with Sarah Jakes Roberts

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  A pregnancy at 13 seemed to confirm she didn't fit

  Sarah Jakes Roberts, daughter of a prominent megachurch pastor, became pregnant at 13 and had her son at 14. She expected to be grounded, but her parents' grief showed her it was life-altering. She had never felt like one of the 'good church girls,' and the pregnancy confirmed that insecurity. For about 10 years she carried shame and decided to figure life out on her own.

• 02

  Ten years of trying on other identities like Cinderella's shoes

  She compared herself to other kinds of girls, chased achievement, success and relationships, waitressed at a strip club, stayed in toxic relationships, went to school and worked for the government. Eventually the 'country girl from West Virginia' decided to go barefoot and stand flat-footed in who she was. Then she tried faith, to see whether a God said to love you no matter what might work 'for someone like me.'

• 03

  You can't heal while you're still punishing yourself

  For those ten years she sat with herself, but punishingly: 'How could you be so stupid? No one's ever going to want you.' She says replaying other people's cruel words never heals. Real healing means sitting with yourself in pursuit of compassion until you no longer cringe, which feels uncomfortable because it stretches you. People punish themselves thinking it will prevent repeats, but you'll never be more than that moment if you keep replaying it.

• 04

  'But also': you're more than your worst moment

  She stopped trying to escape the 'teen mom' label and added to it: a teen mom, and also an author, a dreamer, someone who loves herself. She is divorced and on the Mel Robbins podcast, and all of it is true. She doesn't want to be defined by her achievements either. She wants to be 'a girl on her journey and a woman owning her power.'

• 05

  Most people underestimate how necessary they are

  Her core message: our lives aren't random, and when people underestimate their importance they don't take their healing or their thoughts seriously. They 'put themselves on discount' and give themselves away 'to the lowest bidder.' Growing up during the height of purity culture, she felt that once virginity, the 'highest prize,' was gone, her price kept dropping, so she accepted things she otherwise wouldn't have.

• 06

  Your value is an inside job, and hard experiences add to it

  Working with women who have experienced divorce, molestation and other painful events, she finds everyone has something that challenged their sense of worth. Rather than lowering your value, she argues, surviving those things adds wisdom and resilience that make you more confident and courageous.

• 07

  Cook with your leftovers instead of reinventing yourself

  She failed repeatedly trying to bury the pregnancy under a brand-new identity, like becoming an accountant or a CFO, using 'ingredients that don't exist.' Open the cupboard and use what's there: a child, a writing gift, insecurities, a divorce. Mel adds that what you hide gives others power over you. Hiding it leads to people-pleasing, being whoever others need you to be.

• 08

  Watch your whole movie, not one scene

  Regret comes from replaying one scene. Now she feels compassion for her 13-year-old self, who was lost, lonely and angry. Her parents' church had exploded overnight, bringing death threats and security, and they assumed the kids were okay. Anyone with what was in her cupboard might have made the same choice. Mel adds that your parents were doing life for the first time too, which doesn't excuse everything.

• 09

  Change old precedents when you're running on fumes

  She knows she's overextended when her family and team asking for things she set them up to expect starts to annoy her, like her eight-year-old asking what's for dinner. Rest first, then work out what's still true for you and who needs to know, and change the expectation kindly instead of resenting people. Mel asks her team to send her the clip to replay.