Stop Wasting Your Time: How to Deal With People Who Won’t Change & What to Do Instead

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Two mental 'bodyguards' explain why knowing isn't doing

  NYU Stern professor and behavioral scientist Dr. Dolly Chugh says two protective systems keep us stuck. The first guards our energy by putting most of life on autopilot. The second guards our identity or ego. Change threatens both, which is why you can fully understand what to do and still not do it, and why the people you love resist too.

• 02

  Your mind runs 11 million 'little t' thoughts per finger snap

  Chugh cites research suggesting that in a single snap we process about 11 million unconscious 'little t' thoughts, such as posture, temperature and how our clothes feel, compared with about 40 conscious 'big T' thoughts. Knowing something lives in those few big-T thoughts, while habits and reflexes live in the millions. That gap is why insight alone rarely changes behavior.

• 03

  We protect our identity fiercely

  She cites a study suggesting people value affirmation of the identities they care about more than their favorite food, time with a friend or even their favorite sex act. When feedback threatens how we see ourselves, the identity bodyguard pushes back, often by getting defensive.

• 04

  You can't learn from a mistake you're still defending

  Her biggest-mistake answer: we slip into proving ourselves instead of improving ourselves. Mel admits to 'a million examples' of defending why something was too hard. Real growth starts when you stop arguing for the mistake.

• 05

  Be 'goodish' rather than good

  'Good person' is a fixed state: you either are or you aren't, so every slip-up becomes a threat. A 'goodish' person is always trying to get better, which makes goodish 'actually better than good.' The idea leaves room for bad days and cuts the exhausting nightly self-judgment Mel describes: the text you regret, the party outfit, the 10 undone things.

• 06

  Change requires unlearning, and unlearning feels like friction

  Using a color-word Stroop test, Chugh shows Mel how two effortless skills, reading and naming colors, become hard when they conflict. Changing a habit is like being asked to 'unlearn reading.' The resistance you feel getting off the couch is the same friction others feel when you ask them to change. We want grace for our own learning curves but accountability for everyone else's.

• 07

  You can model, invite and reward change, but you can't make anyone change

  Model it by making your own effort visible. Invite it by giving grace to clumsy first attempts. If a partner trying not to snap at the kids tells an awkward story that drags on, don't say 'this isn't helping.' Reward it by saying sincerely what you noticed: 'I saw our daughter light up.'

• 08

  Pull works better than push, but it takes longer

  Push means directing, telling and forcing. It has its place, but we overuse it. Pull creates the conditions where people want to change on their own: you ask questions or act as a sounding board so they build their own plan and keep their sense of 'I am the boss of me.' It takes longer, but if it works, it lasts.

• 09

  Feedback in adjectives invites argument; feedback on behavior gets change

  'Not polished enough' could mean typos, animations, tone or clothes, so people argue with it. Instead, name the behavior: one slide says the client is in 'hospitality' and another says 'food and beverage,' which looks like the deck wasn't proofread. Specific, observable feedback is harder to dispute and easier to act on.

• 10

  Rescuing can be about our pain, not theirs

  Chugh's definition of hell is watching someone you love suffer and being helpless. Much of what passes for support, such as money or a place to live, is really us easing that feeling. That 'soft cushion' can stop someone from hitting the edge of their experience and facing the consequences of patterns they haven't unlearned yet. Mel calls this a central growth area of her life with adult children.