The Surprising Psychology Behind the Secrets Everyone Keeps | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  The average person keeps 13 secrets

  Slepian, a psychologist at Columbia Business School and author of The Secret Life of Secrets, first asked a couple of thousand people what secret they were keeping. From their answers he built 38 categories, then gave the list to about 50,000 people. On average, people had 13 categories of secrets at any one time, 97% had at least one, and 92% of open-ended secrets fit the list. Mel's summary is that about five are secrets people have never told anyone.

• 02

  The most common secrets

  Top of the list are a significant lie, romantic desire, finances and sexual behaviour. Next come "extra-relational thoughts" (romantic thoughts about someone other than your partner), family secrets, secret ambitions, dissatisfaction with your social life or body, mental health, and broken trust. Mel says the hundreds of secrets her Instagram followers sent all fit his categories.

• 03

  A secret starts with intending to withhold

  Slepian defines secrecy as the intent to keep information from one or more people, not the act of hiding it. Most secrets rarely come up in conversation, but they exist before and after those moments. A traveller who cheats once has a secret the moment they decide "I can't tell my partner." A small example: stepping away from the Target announcements so your boss doesn't realise you're not at your desk.

• 04

  Living with a secret is harder than hiding it

  Because people can't read your mind, concealing a secret in conversation is relatively easy. The harm comes from thinking about it alone, doubting your choice, and replaying feelings of shame, isolation and inauthenticity. On your own, you never get the perspective from others that could soften an overly negative view.

• 05

  Secrets can make the world feel heavier

  His early research followed up on the idea of being "weighed down" by a secret. People thinking about a significant secret judged hills as steeper and distances as longer, in the same way that tired or burdened people do, as if they had fewer resources to deal with what lay ahead.

• 06

  Secret versus private

  Things that simply never come up, such as your sex life with family, are private. A specific experience you would actively hold back if it became relevant is a secret. Mel notes that "secret" tends to carry shame, while "private" feels like being in control.

• 07

  Shame says "I'm bad"; guilt says "I did something bad"

  Shame is hard to change because it feels like who you are. Guilt focuses on behaviour, which motivates you to do better. Your past doesn't dictate your future. Mel's version: "You're a good person who did a bad thing." She applies it to cheating on boyfriends in college and law school: a good person with crushing anxiety, coping self-destructively.

• 08

  Keep the door open for kids to confess

  Children keep secrets as soon as they realise their thoughts are private. The cookie-crumb fibs of three-year-olds are normal. The danger is later, when shame or bullying stays hidden. If confessing leads to an angry outburst, kids learn to keep things to themselves. Mel wants her kids' first thought in trouble to be "I have to call my mom, she'll help," and she saves disappointment for later conversations.

• 09

  Family secrets teach children that hiding solves problems

  Slepian warns that this can grow into a habit of not asking for help. Mel goes further, calling it emotional abuse when parents make kids keep secrets or pull them into marriage conflicts, because it teaches them that love means loyalty and obedience.

• 10

  Before revealing, ask why

  There's no undo button. Ask whether you're telling someone because you can't bear carrying it alone, or because they need or would want to know. If you're unsure, talk to a third party first. He also finds that the secrets we think about most are the ones that harm us most.