The #1 Journal Exercise to Become the Person You’ve Always Wanted to Be
- Guest
- —
- Read time
- ~5 min
- Uploaded
- 4 Mar 2024
- Duration
- 0:34:40
- Views
- 127.7K
KEYPOINTS
- 01
Your past happier self holds the map
Mel's core idea is that 'you do know how to be happy; that's why you miss feeling it. You can only miss something you know.' The episode is built around a journaling exercise she had kept to herself for years. She uses it to look back at a time she felt happier and bring practical clues from it into her life now.
- 02
The portal metaphor comes from fantasy novels
Mel was hooked on A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas, and it turned out most of her team at 143 Studios was reading it too. She notes that in stories like Harry Potter, characters cross into another world and always bring something back. She stresses that the exercise isn't meditation, a mantra or 'woo-woo.' It uses your own life experience.
- 03
You don't need to escape your life to be happier
The mistake, Mel says, is thinking happiness requires a permanent escape: a vacation, blowing up your relationships, moving, or quitting your job. Instead, you learn to visit that happier world in your mind while still living day to day in this one.
- 04
Look for just one clue
Mel calls this the most important tip, and says it's grounded in research, though she doesn't name a study. Don't try to rebuild your whole old life. Find one thing from that happier world to bring back now. It doesn't have to be the full version either: for someone who loved daily dance practice, one class a month can be enough.
- 05
The clues are in small, ordinary details
When you picture your happier self, look at the routine. When did you get up? What did your mornings look like? Who were you with? Where did you live? When did you go to bed? What was your favorite part of the day? Mel says it's never the big things. It's what you take for granted: when you wake up, what you look at first, moving your body, a warm coffee, hugging your pets, time outside. 'The little things are everything.'
- 06
If you can't find a happy memory, there are still clues
One team member said she hated the exercise. Her childhood was full of trauma, her happiness depended on another person's moods, and when she looks back she sees survival, not joy. Mel's answer is that these clues show what not to do. If you were conditioned to people-please and track others' moods, you know that doesn't make you happy. Taking that pattern seriously and healing it may be the most powerful clue of all.
- 07
Comparing the two columns makes the gap obvious
Putting 'then' next to 'now' on one page usually reveals the differences right away. Mel says that's why the exercise works so quickly: the happier version of you is right there to see, and the specific missing habits stand out.
- 08
Hearing other people's happy worlds jogs your own memories
Mel shares her team's reflections before guiding listeners through the exercise because, she says, hearing someone else describe their happier world tends to bring up your own memories. She thinks she has missed clues in her own life too, and that hearing yours might show her more.
EXAMPLES
- 01
Sawyer in the kitchen, summer 2020
Sawyer graduated from college during COVID. She had worked for four years to save for a service trip to Cambodia, and it was canceled. She was stuck living at home, drinking every night, gaining weight and sedentary. Swollen-eyed, she told her parents 'I'm so stuck, I'm lost.' Mel answered, 'I think you do know what to do. You're just scared,' and had her draw a line down a page and write 'Happy me' on the left.
- 02
Sawyer's two columns
Her happiest time was senior year of high school. She was up at 6:30 and out by 7, with friends all day, playing varsity lacrosse, exercising six days a week, drinking only on weekends, in a good relationship, and home for dinner about four nights a week. Now she slept until noon, drank nightly, didn't see friends, didn't exercise, ate badly and spent most of the day in bed on social media, with her job six months away. She saw the connection immediately.
- 03
Jenaia's freedom and dance
A video editor on Mel's team said she felt happiest as a kid. School ended at 2, then she went to dance practice every day, which was her creative expression, then home for family dinner. Her clue was dance, or creative expression in some form.
- 04
Maddie realizes she already has it
During her documentary MFA, Maddie exercised at 6:30, went to class, journaled daily at The Thinking Cup on Newbury Street where everyone knew her, and helped classmates shoot films. Doing the exercise, she realized her current life already has the same clues: a 6 a.m. workout, audiobooks on her commute, 45 minutes journaling at a café where she's a regular, creative work, and someone she cares about at home.
- 05
Mel at 24, walking Manhattan
Around 1994, Mel was a Legal Aid public defender earning $19,000 a year and living with girlfriends on West 68th Street. She walked to 100 Canal Street, about 78 blocks, and spent the day on her feet in court or at Rikers Island. Her favorite part was the walk home with her supervisor and best friend Matt Myers, then Chris, whom she was starting to date, from the 30s uptown. Her clues were outdoor walks, walking and talking with people she loves, living near friends, and dynamic work that helps people. She notes that it sounds a lot like her life now.
OTHER RELEVANT
- 01
Do the exercise now, on paper or in your head
Draw a line down a page and write 'Happy me' on the left. Close your eyes, travel back, and describe a typical week in detail. Write your current week on the right and compare. If you're driving, picture the page.
- 02
Bring back something small this week
Mel's suggestions include pulling an old puzzle out of the cupboard, gardening, painting, spending more time outdoors, or even getting the dog you loved as a kid. She calls it an 'invisible string' between that world and this one. Her own example: helping her parents restore the gardens of their fixer-upper in western Michigan explains why flowers make her so happy 50 years later.
- 03
Use it when you feel lost
Mel says she's used this exercise over and over when she's felt lost, and it worked for her daughter when nothing else did. Look for the one clue, then act on it today.