The One Tool to Transform Your Relationships: The Let Them Theory

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Many close relationships have an 'invisible distance'

  Mel describes a gap that builds between people who love each other, through passive-aggressive comments, small hurts you try to let go, and old resentments, like 'death by a thousand cuts.' From the outside, she and her oldest daughter Sawyer, 25, looked close. They texted, saw each other and took trips together. But underneath, Sawyer felt she wasn't a priority, and Mel felt Sawyer would never let her in.

• 02

  Sawyer's side: her mom was gone, and when home, talking about work

  In Sawyer's middle and high school years, Mel was on the road up to about 200 days a year. Sawyer grew closer to her dad, Kendall and Oakley. She felt Mel's attention went to work or to Kendall's singing career, and she felt jealous for lacking a 'natural talent' that connected her to her mom and sister. Strangers kept introducing her as 'Kendall's sister' or 'Mel Robbins's daughter,' sometimes asking her for Mel's email. She started blaming Mel for the fans who were taking her mom away.

• 03

  Mel owns it without excuses

  Mel explains she was consumed by fear over the family's debt and spent nearly a decade chasing income. She calls it her responsibility as the parent to make a child feel seen and prioritized, and to be calm rather than taking her stress out on the family. She also notes a common pattern: the oldest child often becomes responsible and stoic, so parents worry about them less, and she says that's still the parent's job to notice.

• 04

  Once you've decided someone doesn't care, everything confirms it

  Shopping trips and showing up to games didn't get through, because Sawyer had already decided her mom didn't care, and her 'force field' reinterpreted everything. Sawyer admits she liked being mad at Mel, because anger, tears or a crisis were the only times she got her mom's full attention, phone down. Mel says resentment can become a substitute for the love you actually want.

• 05

  The Let Them Theory has two steps, and Sawyer created the second

  'Let them' means you stop trying to control other people and let them be who they are. 'Let me' means turning to what you control: what you think, say and do, and how you handle your emotions. Mel defines responsibility as 'the ability to respond.' She credits the second step entirely to Sawyer's research.

• 06

  Drop the rope in the tug-of-war

  Mel's image is two people pulling up to every conversation with a U-Haul full of baggage, each grabbing a rope and pulling. The fastest way to end it is to drop the rope. Expect the other person to push back, for example with 'Is this therapy-speak?', because they don't know the new dynamic yet. Sawyer says that when she started tugging and Mel let go, she'd 'fall down' and realize her mom just wasn't playing anymore. 'It takes two.'

• 07

  You don't need the other person's participation to shift the dynamic

  Mel says your own calmer, more mature behavior changes the dynamic, and people only change when they decide to. She's careful to add that 'Let them' doesn't change things on its own. It creates the space for change, and over time the other person shows how far they can meet you.

• 08

  Step into their shoes

  Using a tool she calls 'frame of reference,' learned from her friend Lisa Bilyeu, Mel suggests asking 'I wonder what it was like for them?' instead of 'I don't understand why they're like this.' She tells a parent upset that their kids were angry about their vote to ask why the kids might feel that way. She quotes Dr. Ablon: 'people do well when they can.'

• 09

  Two things can be true at once

  If family members are disappointed you're skipping a holiday, Mel says that means they love you. It doesn't mean you have to change your plans. Someone can be disappointed in you and still love you, and two people can be wired completely differently and still have room for each other.