How Do I Learn to Love Myself, Really? | The Mel Robbins Podcast
- Guest
- Oakley Robbins
- Read time
- ~4 min
- Uploaded
- 28 Nov 2022
- Duration
- 0:41:36
- Views
- 144.6K
KEYPOINTS
- 01
Being kinder to yourself may be the single biggest lever for wellbeing
Mel cites a large UK study that compared behaviour changes such as diet, gratitude, meditation, exercise and seeing friends more. Being kinder to yourself had the biggest impact on day-to-day quality of life, and it was also the habit people practised least.
- 02
Self-hatred often grows out of tiny moments where we turn on ourselves
Kids can't turn to critics and say 'you idiots, my legs are fine,' so they turn the criticism inward and focus on fitting in or getting attention off themselves. Mel calls each of those moments a small act of self-hatred that cuts your connection to yourself, and says they stay with you for years.
- 03
Comparison hurts, but relentless self-criticism is the real source of self-hatred
Mel separates the two. Social comparison is something to work on, especially online. She notes research that many teens came out of the pandemic worse off after 'mainlining' social media at home, and says Oakley rarely uses it. But she says self-hatred ends when you stop criticising yourself.
- 04
Oakley's breakthrough came when the outside judgment stopped
During the 2020 lockdown, at 14, with no one making fun of him, he played games, jumped on the trampoline, hung out with his dogs and lived with four people who loved him. He stopped checking the mirror for what others might dislike. His lesson: worrying about what other people think 'drags me down', and not caring left him nothing to prove.
- 05
'You only go through life with yourself'
Oakley's realisation: you're the only person you wake up and go to sleep with every day. You can't please everyone, and if you're not happy, other people's happiness won't make you feel better. Mel calls this a crazy simple statement of why self-acceptance matters.
- 06
Five words to practise: 'There's nothing wrong with me'
Being removed from school made Oakley see that all his energy had gone into managing a belief that something was wrong with him. Mel spent 40-plus years waking up with that belief. Acceptance means accepting yourself exactly as you are and as you aren't. There may be things to improve, but nothing is wrong with you.
- 07
Then ask the radical question: why don't I just like myself?
Most of us make liking ourselves conditional, for example once we lose 30 pounds, pay the bills or stop making mistakes. Mel says research shows you won't feel motivated to change while bashing yourself. Decide to like yourself now, or at least treat yourself as if you do, and motivation and self-care snowball from there. The only thing in the way is your own judgment, which you can remove.
- 08
Self-love is a skill you build like a muscle
Both admit it's hard and takes time. Oakley compares it to lifting: start with a small weight. Negativity is often unconscious, and with practice, being kind to yourself becomes the unconscious default instead. Mel, at 54, says she still works on it daily.
EXAMPLES
- 01
The shorts day
In seventh grade, with bleached hair and eyebrows so blond they looked absent, Oakley wore skinny jeans every day from October to April. On the first warm day he wore shorts, and several kids said, before even saying good morning, that his legs looked weird. He wore jeans in 70- and 80-degree weather for the rest of the year.
- 02
Hiding in sweatshirts
From about 13 he saw chubby cheeks, a double chin and 'man boobs' in the mirror, wrapped his towel around his upper body after showers, and almost never took off a sweatshirt. He later put the split at roughly 70% disliking himself and 30% liking himself.
- 03
Mel's Flashdance perm
In ninth grade Mel got layers and a perm to copy Jennifer Beals and came out looking like a Labradoodle. Everyone in the school hallway laughed. That night she washed her hair about 25 times trying to get the perm out, which only made it frizzier.
- 04
Oakley's three small likes
Asked on the spot, he named his hair and his smile, how he treats and shows up for his friends, and his school results, which he's proud of because he's trying. Mel told him what she admires most is how he lives by his values.
- 05
Listener Corinne Schillinger's challenge
A listener asked what loving yourself actually looks like day to day, because the advice is so general. The episode's answer is small, specific, repeatable habits rather than a broad mindset.
OTHER RELEVANT
- 01
Compliment yourself on one small thing daily
It can be the colour of your eyes, your laugh, being a good friend, your cooking or trying hard at work. If you're stuck, look at your iris, a pattern unique among 8 billion people.
- 02
Name one win before bed
Your brain is scanning for what went wrong. Retrain it with a small win: you got out of bed, got dressed, smiled at a stranger, treated yourself to a coffee, got outside.
- 03
Try the high-five habit
After brushing your teeth, look in the mirror and silently high-five your reflection. Mel says about 50% of people in her research can't or won't look themselves in the eye. Laughing or crying is normal. She claims a breakthrough within five days. These are her own research and claims, from her book The High 5 Habit.
- 04
Compliment others on character, not just looks
Oakley's addition: point out what's great about friends, like a good point in class or how they treat people. He says compliments on how he acts mean more to him because you can control how you show up but not what you look like.