How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  See difficult behaviour as a bid for connection

  Trial lawyer Jefferson Fisher, author of 'The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More', says people are usually difficult because of a fear, an insecurity or a need to feel heard. If you walk in convinced someone is difficult, you've made the conversation difficult before it starts. Set smaller goals: understand them, be understood, and listen to the end of their sentences.

• 02

  You don't have to swing at every pitch

  From cross-examination he learned that just because someone throws a zinger doesn't mean you have to respond. Nobody can make you say something you don't want to say. The less you say, the more powerful you sound.

• 03

  Meet extremes with slow, specific questions

  When someone says 'You never listen to me,' repeat the extreme back: 'I want to make sure I understand. I never listen to you?' Then peel another layer: 'Is it that you feel I never listen, or that I objectively never listen?' When someone gets louder, go slower and lower your voice. Their brain hears the contrast, and they tend to come down.

• 04

  Ask 'Is this something we have to agree on?'

  Most of the biggest fights start over small things, like which laundry detergent to buy in the grocery aisle. Usually the answer is no. If it is something you have to agree on, follow up with 'Do we have to agree on it right now?' That protects your timing too: when someone asks for 'five minutes' that really means 48, it's fine to say not now and suggest tomorrow or next week.

• 05

  Phrases that lower defensiveness

  Tell them what you learned ('I learned this matters to you'), that they've been helpful ('That's helpful to know'), or what you agree on ('I agree this is worth talking about'). Hearing the word 'agree' calms people even if you don't agree with their content. Others he uses: 'I could have done better' and 'Maybe you're right.'

• 06

  Make belittlers repeat themselves

  A put-down like 'So you're still single?' is fishing for a reaction. Say 'I need you to say that again,' or ask about intent: 'Did you say that to embarrass me?' The spotlight flips onto them, the fun is gone and they usually backtrack.

• 07

  Answer disrespect with silence, then a standard

  Wait about 10 seconds, long enough to be a little awkward, then say something like 'That's below my standard for a response.' It makes clear you won't engage at their level.

• 08

  Gaslighting: 'I remember things differently. Period.'

  Say it as often as needed, with no explanation or justification. Fisher compares gaslighters to a laser pointer leading a cat around. You beat it by standing still, especially when they replay a whole timeline tweaked in their favour.

• 09

  With narcissistic patterns, refuse the game of 'praise or provoke'

  If you're not praising them, they'll provoke you, and they enjoy your anger as much as your praise. Add distance: there's no clock on texts, so reply the next day or when you're calm. Stay boring and neutral with 'Noted', 'Got it' or 'Good to know.' A long paragraph just gives them one word to twist.

• 10

  Regulate yourself first: breathe and drop your shoulders

  When you feel threatened you hold your breath and tense up, and that's when you get loud. Take a 'conversational breath' and let it be your first word. 'Silence can never be misquoted,' and you don't have to attend every argument you're invited to.

• 11

  Be the wet blanket, and never give them an enemy

  With a relative who loves throwing out provocative opinions, don't take the bait. Try 'I think differently about that' or 'I don't know enough about that.' Opposing lawyers have told Fisher he was hard to fight because he never gave them an enemy. He calls it staying 'in the pocket', a drummer's term for keeping steady rhythm without calling attention to yourself.