5 Things Only Fake Friends Do & How to Let Go of What No Longer Serves You with Trent Shelton

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Your circle is the biggest barrier to peace.

  Former NFL player Trent Shelton says that whenever he had the wrong environment around him, in football or afterwards, it drained him, and the right people lifted him up. His first test: you never have to question anything that's real. If you keep wondering whether someone is truly for you, you probably have your answer.

• 02

  When the benefit ends, the loyalty often stops.

  Shelton asks who would still be around if friendship were all you had to offer. Once he started saying no (no dinner on him, no club, not paying), the energy shifted, and people began whispering that he had changed. His view is that if 'no' changes the relationship, it wasn't real in the first place. A friendship that only runs one way needs to come to a dead end. Sometimes that means loving someone from a distance rather than cutting them off.

• 03

  Don't let history keep you in misery.

  Knowing someone since elementary school, or for five or ten years, doesn't mean they belong in your future. Mel adds that as you grow, people's roles shift. When she stopped complaining about her life and partying less, friendships built around those habits changed.

• 04

  Type 1 to avoid: someone who wants your life.

  Shelton distinguishes healthy admiration ('I want a marriage like that') from envy, which he calls jealousy left unchecked. The problem starts when someone feels they deserve your blessings without knowing what you sacrificed for them. He calls this 'counting people's blessings', like counting someone else's pocket. Such people may plant doubts about your partner or set you up to lose your position. His father told him to hang around only people with as much to lose as he had.

• 05

  Type 2: someone of bad character.

  Opportunities may steer clear of you because of who you're seen with. Shelton's rule: don't be friends with anyone you wouldn't trade places with, in character, mindset or life. To judge character, watch how someone treats people who can't do anything for them. Mel adds that she thinks a group sinks to its lowest common denominator rather than averaging out.

• 06

  Type 3: a gossip.

  If someone talks to you about other friends, assume they talk about you too. Shelton trusts people to be who they are: he expects a gossip to gossip and a liar to lie, so he doesn't hand them anything private. The mistake, he says, is trusting people for who we want them to be.

• 07

  Type 4: someone who is friends with your enemies.

  Shelton respects open enemies because at least he knows where they stand. The harder cases are 'frenemies'. Pay attention to their energy when you share good news. Do they turn the conversation to themselves, add doubt and fear, or say 'I'm proud of you' but never show up to support you? Sometimes, he says, your best support comes from strangers rather than familiar faces.

• 08

  People who can't be happy for you usually aren't happy themselves.

  Shelton admits that after being cut from the NFL he was 'a hater' who blamed everyone, even his parents for not making him faster, and picked apart Peyton Manning on TV. 'Have you ever met a happy hater?' he asks. Mel admits she felt similar envy during her financial struggles with Chris, when she thought none of her friends were struggling. Hurt people try to ease their pain by passing it on.

• 09

  Be loyal to your principles, not to people.

  Shelton says if he were loyal to people he would say yes when he meant no. Instead, he lets his principles decide, presenting 'facts over feelings'. Peace is his number one principle: however big the opportunity, if his peace says no, he doesn't do it. He says every time he has ignored his principles he has regretted it. He would rather be seen as cold-hearted than live broken-hearted from being misused again and again.

• 10

  Be loyal to your own pace.

  Runners who try to keep up with someone else's pace burn out. Shelton says many people let scarcity, comparison or panic set their pace. He lets confidence set his, which lets him say no to a big opportunity and yes to a small one. That, he says, is how he has stayed consistent for 15 years.