How To Make Your Life Exciting Again | Mel Robbins
- Guest
- Dr. Tali Sharot
- Read time
- ~5 min
- Uploaded
- 18 Jul 2024
- Duration
- 0:38:47
- Views
- 247.1K
KEYPOINTS
- 01
Habituation is why good things stop feeling good.
Dr. Tali Sharot, a behavioral neuroscientist who directs the Affective Brain Lab at University College London and also works at MIT, calls habituation a fundamental rule of how every neuron works. We respond less and less to things that are constant, frequent or change only gradually. Her examples: studies show you stop smelling a bakery within about 20 minutes; you stop smelling your own perfume a month after buying it; a cold pool stops feeling cold after a few minutes. The same happens with a new romance, a new home, a new job or a promotion.
- 02
Your brain works like the front page of a newspaper.
Sharot says the brain cares most about what just happened, because something new might need a reaction or be a threat. Once something has been around a while and turned out fine, neurons save their resources for the next new thing. That's why we notice the new most and the familiar least.
- 03
Habituation cuts both ways.
It also dulls bad things, which helps: we adapt even to a loss or a breakup, so we don't stay stuck in that first wave of pain and can move forward. The downside is that long-standing problems fade into the background, such as cracks in a relationship, inefficiencies at work, or societal problems like sexism and racism. Once we stop noticing them, we're less motivated to change them.
- 04
Breaks 'dishabituate' you.
Stepping away and coming back resets the response, like walking out of the bakery for ten minutes and smelling it again on your return. After a work trip of a few days or a week, Sharot says, your home, your kitchen and even your partner seem to have 'resparkled'. Mel jokes that Chris comes back looking 'not so bad after all.'
- 05
Novelty is the other way to dishabituate.
Sharot cites relationship expert Esther Perel's research, in which long-term couples said they felt most attracted to their partner in two situations. One was after time apart. The other was seeing them in a new context, such as talking with strangers or on stage. For your sex life, Sharot says, Perel's advice is breaks or novelty, and doing new things together outside the bedroom matters too.
- 06
A varied life is a psychologically rich life.
According to Sharot, people who have lived in different places, worked on different kinds of projects and spent time with different kinds of people tend to have more psychologically rich lives. You can add variety in small, cheap ways: take a different route to work, take a free online course, pick up a new skill or podcast, or befriend someone whose personality isn't your usual type. New inputs dishabituate you, and they also put you in learning mode, which people enjoy.
- 07
Midlife is the low point of the happiness 'U-curve'.
On average, across data from thousands of people, happiness is high in childhood and the teens, falls to its lowest in midlife, then rises again and stays fairly high until the last couple of years of life. Sharot stresses this is a trend, not a rule for every person. One reason she gives is that midlife has the least change. Childhood and your 20s are full of growth and trying new partners, jobs and studies. Midlife is about maintaining. Retirement and an empty nest force you to learn again.
- 08
Changing your surroundings sparks creativity, briefly.
Sharot cites a psychologist's research showing that even small changes, like moving from your office to a coffee shop or holding a walking meeting, boost creativity, but only for about six minutes. Those minutes can be when the breakthrough comes. Companies can rotate people through different divisions or projects: they learn something new, and when they return, they see the old team with fresh eyes, noticing both the good and what needs fixing.
- 09
Anticipation is a big part of happiness.
Sharot calls things you've scheduled but haven't done yet 'anticipatory events'. She says that's also why people prefer Friday to Sunday by far. Friday holds the weekend ahead. On Sunday you may be out on that hike, but you're also anxious about the work week.
EXAMPLES
- 01
The backyard tent
Mel opens by describing a night sleeping in a tent in her Vermont backyard under a full moon with Chris, after nearly 28 years of marriage. Chris noticed the forecast and suggested it. They used to do adventures like that constantly when they were dating. Over coffee the next morning, she wondered when life got boring, then realised: 'maybe life isn't boring, maybe you've gotten boring.'
- 02
The 43-hour vacation peak
When Sharot surveyed guests at resorts for a tourism company, the word they used most to describe the best part was 'first': the first view of the ocean, the first cocktail, the first sandcastle. Happiness peaked 43 hours in, once people had unpacked, then slowly declined. A separate study tracking people before, during and after a holiday found they were happiest the day before leaving, while still at their desks.
- 03
The fading-colour illusion
In Sharot's book with co-author Cass Sunstein, there's an image of colour clouds with a black plus sign in the middle. Stare at it for about 30 seconds without moving your eyes and the colours fade to grey, even white, because each neuron gets an unchanging signal. Move your eyes and the colour rushes back. Mel compares it to staring at your spouse or your job for too long until everything turns grey.
- 04
The kitchen you used to love
Mel describes a kitchen that's perfectly fine until you scroll through renovation posts or see a friend's coffee bar, and suddenly you hate yours. Sharot points out that the friend probably envies your kitchen too, because each of you has habituated to your own. The urge for something new isn't all bad, since it keeps us moving forward, but it takes balance.
- 05
Julia Roberts' 'resparkle'
Sharot and her co-author borrowed the word from Julia Roberts. Roberts has said her ordinary days of school runs, bike rides and after-school activities would be boring if they never changed, but going away to film makes everything look like it has 'pixie dust' on it when she returns.
- 06
Ideas on the walk to the gym
Stuck on a problem in her office, Sharot walked to a nearby gym, less than six minutes away, and the solution came to her on the way. It led to a lot of her later work. She says nearly every big idea she's had, including book topics and research directions, came in a new place.
OTHER RELEVANT
- 01
Take shorter, more frequent vacations
Several long weekends give you more 'firsts', more anticipation and more afterglow than one two-week trip, though Sharot accepts that isn't practical for far-away destinations.
- 02
Imagine your life without it
If you can't get away, Yale professor Laurie Santos suggests closing your eyes and picturing life without your partner, home or job. Mel notes most of us do the opposite and compare outward.
- 03
Book something to look forward to
A trip, a night out, a class or a simple hike all count. Mel is excited about a guided owl walk with Chris.
- 04
Run 'experiments in living'
Sharot's book ends with this idea: like a scientist, you won't know what works until you test it. Try something new, or try removing something, such as social media for a few weeks, and see how it affects you.