Reset Your Mind & Soul: How to Find Peace When Life Feels Overwhelming

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Healing depends on facing emotions, not on time

  Diego Perez, who writes as Yung Pueblo, says the biggest factor in healing is your ability to face the emotions you used to run from. Craving distraction is often fear of feeling. He uses a pen name because it gives him the freedom to be honest about his own suffering. Mel adds that most of us aren't so much afraid of our emotions as unwilling to deal with them, because the joint, the gummy or the beer is easier than sitting with boredom or loneliness.

• 02

  You don't need a rock bottom to change

  Diego hit his own rock bottom, but he's watched his wife and friends transform after a simple moment of awareness: "I could do things a little better." Mel asks whether his crash made him want to notice warning signs earlier, and he agrees. For him it was change or die.

• 03

  Addiction as a search for your own attention

  His poem: "I was never addicted to one thing. I was addicted to filling a void within myself with things other than my own love." Growing up poor after immigrating at age four, he watched his parents fight over rent and food and had no way to process the anxiety. Once he began giving himself attention and accepting his emotional history, he says, alcohol and cocaine lost their hold.

• 04

  Feel the truth of an emotion without letting it drive

  You can feel sadness without acting in ways you'll regret, and feel anger without letting the story in your head create "fake stress." He calls this subtlety: peace lives in the gray area of observing rather than reacting. Suffering doesn't have to mean a dramatic low. It can be a life of constant friction over small things.

• 05

  Inner peace sometimes just means not adding to tension

  His poem says inner peace isn't always pristine calm; sometimes it's accepting the tension inside you without reacting or reinforcing it, then moving gently through your day. If you're still angry about yesterday's conversation with your boss, acknowledge it, be careful with your words and don't let it snowball. Mel noticed mid-conversation that her shoulders were up by her ears and dropped them, since relaxing the body gives the mind some peace.

• 06

  If you're struggling, you're probably fighting change

  After two 45-day and three 30-day silent meditation retreats, and about 13,000 hours of practice, Diego says the main thing he observes is that everything changes. Attachment, meaning craving for things to stay a particular way, is like standing against a river's current: you'll get knocked down. Mel's image is punching ocean waves instead of climbing onto a raft.

• 07

  Relationships aren't supposed to be easy

  Romantic comedies teach that love fixes everything after one hurdle, but feeling love is only the beginning. Knowing how to care for someone means learning each other's emotional histories, triggers and how each of you likes to be supported. Waiting until you're perfectly healed could take a lifetime. What matters is whether both people are willing to grow when the relationship holds up a mirror.

• 08

  You can't connect deeply with someone disconnected from themselves

  The clearest sign of a disconnected partner is real difficulty being vulnerable or sharing highs and lows. Mel realized she has few close friends from high school, college or law school because she was distracting herself with constant relationships. Diego notes that how distant someone feels often mirrors how far you are from yourself.

• 09

  Boundaries shouldn't become walls

  A boundary is what you will and won't accept, such as disrespect or someone who only takes. It becomes a wall when you use it to avoid problem-solving. Boundaries need reviewing as your needs change year to year. People-pleasing isn't compassion: Mel ties it to being unable to bear the feeling of disappointing someone, and Diego adds an ancient fear of being kicked out of the tribe.