Feeling Used? 5 Ways to Take Your Power Back | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Being used isn't the same as people being used to things

  Mel's first takeaway separates deliberate use, like coasting at a job for the paycheck, raiding a roommate's food, or someone saying "this is more" when they only want sex, from a setup everyone has simply grown comfortable with. In the second case, nobody else has a reason to change it. It works for them; it just stopped working for you.

• 02

  They aren't going to grow up on their own

  Asked "when are they going to grow up?", Mel's answer is never, because they're comfortable. If you want the situation to change, you have to be the adult and lead it, especially when it's your house and your happiness at stake.

• 03

  Learned helplessness keeps people stuck

  Mel explains learned helplessness, a term from 1960s psychology research: after enough setbacks or pain, people stop trying and just cope. The opposite is realistic optimism, the belief that your own actions and attitude can make a difference. Living with people who feel nothing they do matters breeds complacency and fear, and shared trauma deepens it.

• 04

  Spell out SMART goals, because the path isn't obvious to them

  SMART stands for specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and timely, an approach Mel says three researchers proposed in 1981. Don't assume your expectations are obvious. Define them precisely: who shops on Tuesdays, who cooks, who does the dishes, who shovels snow and takes out the trash, and that beds get made each morning.

• 05

  Then cheer every box they check

  When they make the bed, spend an hour job-hunting or check in for ten minutes about work, say thank you and "I appreciate you," like a coach cheering players. You can also be honest about your feelings: you love them, you feel frustrated and a bit used, you believe there's more for them, and if they can't meet the request, maybe you can't keep living together.

• 06

  "Get a job" is too vague after two years

  In a role-play, Brooke asked her boyfriend to find work. He said he'd been applying online, and the conversation drifted. Mel's point is that a request needs a structured box to check. Since Brooke believes therapy is what he needs, ask for that specifically: once a week for three months, which she offers to pay for.

• 07

  It's a choice, not an ultimatum

  Option one is to accept the gift of weekly therapy and share what comes up. Option two is to start healing somewhere else, with someone else. He gets to choose, and a deadline is fine, like an answer by breakfast tomorrow. You must be willing to let him walk out the door. Then judge by what he does, not what he says.

• 08

  When being loved matters more than loving yourself, the dynamic is toxic

  Brooke identifies as anxious and her boyfriend as avoidant. She keeps trying to be "so great" so he'll finally notice and love her. Mel links this to a mother Brooke describes as emotionally unavailable and says Brooke is chasing someone who can't give what he doesn't have. She says it isn't really a choice: old patterns and a belief that she isn't worthy are driving it, which calls for self-compassion, not shame.

• 09

  You're only used if you allow it

  Mel closes by saying that if you stay in something you know doesn't work, you're participating. People aren't in our lives for us to grip on to, and we aren't meant to be everyone's caretaker. Resenting silently and fighting aren't healthy. Clear communication about what you need, and what choice the other person has, is.