How to Become a Better Human: Lessons on Kindness, Love, and Happiness (From a 10-Year-Old)
- Guest
- Elton
- Read time
- ~5 min
- Uploaded
- 19 Sept 2024
- Duration
- 0:42:31
- Views
- 55.2K
KEYPOINTS
- 01
Kindness comes back to you
Elton, a 10-year-old about to start fifth grade whom Mel has known his whole life, describes it as karma: pick on a kid and they won't want to be your friend; be kind and they might. "We only get one chance and you got to make it good." If you're a jerk your whole life, he asks, what have you really accomplished? You'll have fewer friends, he adds, and friends help your mental state.
- 02
Bottling feelings is like eating too many grapes
Six grapes are fine; twenty and your stomach hurts. Elton says he has bottled small things without harm, but bottling too much hurt him. Talking to someone is how you let feelings go.
- 03
Therapy is like dropping off a dirty shirt
Elton started therapy because he wasn't happy, didn't have many friends and was being picked on, and he still goes. He compares it to handing over a filthy shirt and getting it back clean after a couple of weeks, which "in therapy is like a year." Mel says it's often easier to open up to someone who isn't family or a friend, and that therapists know you can get better because they've seen it.
- 04
Have "safe keeps" for sad days
When Elton feels sad or lonely, he tells his mom and dad, his "safe keeps," rather than just anyone, and he spends time with adults as a safe place. His advice for sad adults runs the other way: hang out with young kids, since even shaking a cup makes them laugh, and laughter is contagious.
- 05
"I can't learn" is different from "I don't want to learn"
In fourth grade, before his dysgraphia diagnosis, Elton skipped class because he couldn't learn the way he was being taught, and teachers misjudged him as a bad kid. Now he types and uses voice typing. Mel connects this to her son Oakley, diagnosed in fourth grade, and to her own dyslexia, which wasn't identified until she was 46. She still dictates her books and edits on paper.
- 06
If you've been up before, you can get there again
Asked what he'd tell Mel's daughter Kendall about uneven reactions to her songs, Elton said that after a high you know you're capable of highs. If he's thrown a ball 60 yards, practice may take him farther, but he won't go lower.
- 07
Life isn't fair, and differences are what make friends interesting
If life were fair, everyone would share a birthday and like the same things, and you need differences to have something new to bring to a friendship. He can practice basketball, but he can't practice away dysgraphia. He tries his hardest, and sometimes that isn't enough. That's fine.
- 08
Aim for good enough, and always try
Elton isn't trying to be Steph Curry. Aim too high and it gets so hard you're more likely to quit, and Mel agrees most of us quit when we aim too high. His "lifestyle" is to always try, even things he doesn't want to do, because you may discover you're good at them and come to like them. There's a job for almost everything, so build momentum from what you're good at.
- 09
Parents need fun, and kids want to choose their own success
Kids' biggest complaint, he says, is "my mom and dad are always trying to control me." Let kids choose their path, even dentistry over basketball or math, then help them. He also says parenting isn't a reason to stop having fun; an unhappy parent makes kids unhappy too. Mel adds that she believes happiness is the best form of success.
EXAMPLES
- 01
Guess Who in his therapist's office
Elton found therapy boring at first. His therapist plays Guess Who with him ("Does this person have orange hair?") and slips in "How's school been?" between turns, so talking about feelings happens naturally.
- 02
The pizza strategy for gossip
When a group chat starts trashing someone, say Ashley, Elton doesn't lecture, which he worries would get him ditched as a goody-two-shoes. He redirects, like distracting a baby: "Where are we going for pizza tomorrow?" Or he just doesn't respond to the comment. Mel calls it standing up for someone without the confrontation most of us avoid.
- 03
Making friends at camp
In kindergarten he just asked kids, "Want to be friends?" At camp he'll join a clinic, team or play, since everyone who signed up shares that interest. Then he floats around rather than sticking to one person (if your one apple goes bad, you've got nowhere to turn), invests more in people he clicks with, and brings those friends along when meeting new ones.
- 04
The sand bridge in Maine
Elton built a little sand bridge to help an older woman across a puddle. Doing it made him feel kind, and otherwise "that grandma now just has wet socks." He hopes to help create a kinder world.
OTHER RELEVANT
- 01
Check on a struggling kid privately
Don't ask "Are you sad?" in front of the class. Try to make them smile first. If that doesn't work, take them aside and ask "Is everything all right? You don't seem like yourself." Suggest talking to someone with "Do you think it would help to talk to somebody?" rather than "You need therapy," which can feel like an accusation.
- 02
Work on one change at a time
Elton used to tell himself he wasn't good enough. Trying to fix everything at once is like his brother watching six animes at the same time and finishing none. Elton's current focus is lying less. He used to think lying made him cooler, and it didn't.
- 03
Feeling stuck? Go meet people
His dad didn't find his passion until about 40. Everyone has a role, the way bees pollinate. New people could introduce you to your future job or partner. Spend less time scrolling, and when you hate a task, deal with it early rather than letting it build.
- 04
Encourage kids with a "double whammy"
Tell children they can do anything, and also warn them that some people may treat them differently, like picking on them for a learning difference, so it doesn't knock them down. Elton wishes his parents had sometimes pushed him more.