Where Did All My Friends Go? A Simple Guide to Finding Your People | The Mel Robbins Podcast
- Guest
- —
- Read time
- ~5 min
- Uploaded
- 10 Jul 2023
- Duration
- 0:56:04
- Views
- 58.5K
KEYPOINTS
- 01
Adult life can feel like summer camp, if you build it
About a year after moving to a tiny town, Mel says she woke up feeling like she lived in "adult summer camp": friends texting at 5:30 a.m., spontaneous plans, people she loves walking into the same coffee shop. A year earlier she was crying in her new house and lonely. Her point is that this kind of community is within your power to create, and it takes about a year of steady effort.
- 02
The lie: "I have no friends"
Mel's friend Gretchen called mid-recording and said Mel had friends and was loved a year ago; she just didn't feel it. Producer Amy admits she recently said "I need to find my friend group" to a room of her friends. Mel's view is that we confuse how often we see someone with whether they're a friend. Your old friends are still there, and they probably think you're the one who left.
- 03
Every friendship has a bond and a friendship
Amy's framework: the bond is the outside force that brings you together, like work, school, a team, a yoga studio, family or living nearby. The friendship is the caring, interest and outreach you add on top. When the bond disappears because of a move, divorce, new job, graduation, breakup or remote work, keeping the friendship alive is on you. Mel believes the past few years wiped out many people's in-person bonds.
- 04
"On purpose" friends
An on-purpose friend is someone you deliberately chose and made a friendship with, rather than someone you're close to only because of the softball team or the office. Amy says these friends bring vitality because they're there for you, not for the organization. Mel, Amy and Jesse became on-purpose friends by taking a work bond much further.
- 05
In adulthood you have to create the bump-ins
When you're young, friendships are arranged for you through classes, teams, dorm hallways and seeing the same people over and over. As an adult, especially with remote work keeping people at home, you have to create those chances deliberately. Mel puts it like planting: if you want flowers, you have to put seeds in the ground.
- 06
Your town has four kinds of coffee shops
(1) The chain: efficient and transactional, with mobile orders and drive-throughs, and people come in and leave fast. Mel says it's a bad place to form bonds. (2) The first-responder, old-timers' spot with the best donuts and drip coffee: intimidating when you're new, but its regulars prove that a daily ritual can create a bond. (3) The bustling local spot where moms stop after school drop-off and staff know your usual. (4) The high-end spot from the travel guide with a huge espresso machine and pricey pastries.
- 07
The coffee shop works like a Sorting Hat
None of the four is better. Each attracts people with certain interests. To find yours, ask which one you'd choose if you had two hours to kill. Then go there several mornings a week, plus one weekend hour, until you start seeing the same faces, getting to know the staff and saying hello.
- 08
Make it your standing meeting place
Whenever you meet someone, suggest coffee at your spot, for example 9 a.m. on Saturday, because that's where you always meet friends. That routine becomes your bond and your institution. People start bringing their friends, and the group grows. Amy sums it up as "friendship is a verb."
- 09
Make group chats fun
Mel copied friends she finds hilarious and fills every group chat with memes and ugly selfies, like "I'm coming in my pajamas," along with a photo. That playful energy is what recreates the spontaneous, bumping-into-each-other feeling of camp or college.
EXAMPLES
- 01
"I'll probably just leave it all dirt"
Amy's favorite story: when Mel moved into her new house, Amy tried to cheer her up by asking what flowers she'd plant. Sad and lonely, Mel said she'd probably just leave it all dirt. A year later, workers were outside planting peonies, hydrangeas and hostas, which became Mel's symbol for planting friendship seeds.
- 02
Mel didn't know her favorite spot existed
Mel lived in town for a year before Jesse told her about the type-four coffee shop. When she walked in, she thought she was in Brooklyn. It became her regular place. On the morning of the episode, after Pilates, she walked in to find David, then Amy, then another friend arriving for a meeting.
- 03
The selfie fix
For her first six months using this approach, Mel would swap numbers with someone and then get a text weeks later asking to meet at the bakery, with no idea who it was. She has ADHD and sometimes deleted the thread. Now she jokes that she'll forget what they look like as soon as she leaves, and asks to take a selfie together so her text makes sense.
- 04
The 5:06 a.m. text thread
On a Friday, Mel's friend David started a group thread at 5:06 a.m. with a video of mist in the valley. He and Amy traded weekend plans and asked what time Amy would pull that day's card. Then came "Mel get in here." Mel woke up to it, joined in, and felt the summer-camp feeling she had once thought she'd never have again.
OTHER RELEVANT
- 01
Openers that work
In line, ask what the best pastry or muffin is. Compliment something specific like nails, earrings or braids; people light up. Say you're new and ask what people do around here, or admit you've become a bit of a hermit lately and ask what's on this weekend. Mel even says outright that she needs friends, and most people laugh and say they feel the same way.
- 02
The answers you get depend on the shop
At a chain, people will likely shrug and hurry off. At the old-timers' spot you might hear about a tractor pull or a fire-department fundraiser. At the local shop it might be an art fair or a library event. At the high-end spot it might be mushroom foraging or an author talk. That's why the place you choose shapes which invitations you get.
- 03
Do the things you already do, together
Amy's mother-in-law used to fold laundry with her girlfriends. You can cook dinner with another family, exercise together, or trade chores. Amy loves weeding, and Amy and Mel once painted Mel's house side by side. Mel says these plain moments build friendship better than fancy outings.
- 04
It works in cities too, and long-time residents can still be lonely
Your neighborhood, gym, office and kids' school each have all four kinds of shop nearby. It's normal to feel lonely in a town you've lived in for 20 or 30 years. Suggest a walking group or a Saturday meet-up, get the person's number right then, and text them on the spot.