What Makes a Good Life? This Study on 26,000 Regrets Will Guide You for the Rest of Your Life

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Regret is a signal to answer, not a feeling to avoid

  Daniel Pink, a bestselling author whose TED talk has more than 12 million views, says we've been fed 'bad advice' to always be positive and never look back. Regret is an emotion we feel when we look back and wish we'd acted differently. Researchers have studied it for about 60 years and find it's one of the most common human emotions. His metaphor: regret is 'a knock at the door. Answer the door. See what it has to tell you.'

• 02

  Thinking through regrets on purpose makes people better at things

  Pink cites evidence, including from negotiation studies, that people who systematically interrogate a regret improve next time. The key word is systematically. Replaying a scene and wallowing doesn't help. Burying it doesn't either. Mel compares carrying regrets to dragging a suitcase you never open.

• 03

  People's regrets around the world are strikingly similar

  The World Regret Survey collected more than 26,000 regrets from 134 countries. Pink says the most surprising finding was how universal they sound: people everywhere regret the same kinds of things. Regret feels lonely and shameful, but it's one of the most shared experiences there is.

• 04

  Almost all regrets fall into four types

  Foundation: 'if only I had done the work' (money, health, education). Boldness: 'if only I had taken the chance.' Moral: 'if only I had done the right thing.' Connection: 'if only I had reached out.' Pink argues that, read in reverse, these four describe a good life: a solid foundation, some boldness, goodness and love.

• 05

  Connection regrets are the most common, and relationships usually drift rather than blow up

  The typical story is a friendship, or a relationship that should have existed, that faded away. Pink says we imagine relationships end in explosions, but most just drift. The fix is usually small: 'When in doubt, reach out.' In his interviews, reconnected relationships restart almost instantly.

• 06

  We hold back because we think reaching out will be awkward and unwelcome

  Pink calls this a lesson for himself. We assume we'd be thrilled to hear from an old friend but that nobody else would, as if we're 'so special.' He says reaching out is learned behavior, not natural behavior. As a man in his early 60s, texting a buddy 'Hey, I'm thinking of you' doesn't come easily, but the second time is less awkward.

• 07

  Foundation regrets come from small choices adding up

  One treated dinner is fine. Picking up the check five times a week for ten years leaves a person at 40 with no savings, living paycheck to paycheck on a good salary. These regrets erode the base of a life slowly, which is why they are easy to ignore until late.

• 08

  Boldness regrets grow with age because inaction can't be undone in your head

  Boldness regrets come from choosing to play it safe over taking the chance: not studying abroad, not speaking up, not starting that business, and hundreds of dating regrets about never asking someone out. When people don't take the shot, Pink says, they overwhelmingly regret it. Regrets about something you did can be softened with a 'downward counterfactual' (imagining how it could have been worse). Regrets about what you didn't do leave only the open-ended 'what if.'

• 09

  Moral regrets are the smallest category but the most deeply held

  These come from taking the low road at a fork, such as cheating or being unkind. There were fewer of them in the database, but people carried them heavily.

• 10

  Be fair to your past self

  Mel makes the point that judging your 20s self with what your 57-year-old self knows is unfair. Pink adds grace for 'I wish I'd done it sooner' regrets: you did eventually act. As the proverb goes, the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, and the second-best time is now.