Change Your Life This Year: How to Get From Where You Are to Where You Want to Be

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  The biggest lie about change is that you just need to try harder or use more willpower.

  Wharton behavioral scientist Katy Milkman says almost everyone has the wrong mental model: 'there's something wrong with me if I can't push through.' She treats changing as a learnable skill, 'like using an Excel spreadsheet.' It takes strategy, not grit. Most people approach a goal one-size-fits-all instead of designing a plan around what's actually blocking them.

• 02

  Seven common barriers stop people from changing, and each needs a different tool.

  Drawing on her Behavior Change for Good research center at Penn (co-directed with Angela Duckworth, with about 180 affiliated scientists), she lists them: getting started, impulsivity (wanting instant gratification), procrastination, forgetfulness, laziness (preferring the easy path, including old habits), lack of confidence, and conformity (copying the people around you). She stresses these barriers show up across age, gender, culture and country.

• 03

  Fresh starts give you a burst of motivation to begin, but they don't carry you to the finish line.

  New Year's, Mondays, birthdays, a new month or a promotion feel like new chapters. We sort time into 'before' and 'after,' feel a bit like a new person, and put distance between ourselves and past failures. Milkman says the reported 80% New Year's resolution failure rate misses the point: a fresh start only gets you going, and you still need tools to keep going.

• 04

  Beat impulsivity by making the good thing fun.

  'Temptation bundling' pairs something you should do with something you crave but only allow yourself during that activity, like gripping audiobooks only at the gym. Mel's takeaway was that people underestimate how much fun matters to sticking with something.

• 05

  Commitment devices fight procrastination.

  Put something at stake: for example, 'I'll fine myself $10 if I don't meditate three times this week,' and ask your partner to be the referee. She mentions websites such as Beeminder and stickK (she says she has no affiliation), or you can do it informally.

• 06

  You don't fail because you don't care. You fail because you forget.

  Economists call it an 'empathy gap': at night we're sure we'll remember tomorrow, then the morning swallows it. She cites 1800s memory research showing about 70% of memorized material is gone within hours. Fixes: checklists, calendar reminders, an email to your future self, and specific plans covering when, where and how.

• 07

  Tie plans to a cue, and plan with someone else.

  When a reminder can't be timed, link the action to a trigger, like 'when my daughter next calls, I'll do X.' In one study cited, pursuing goals in tandem with a friend worked better because it was more fun, added accountability and forced planning.

• 08

  Use your laziness: make the good choice the default and the bad one hard to reach.

  Set your browser's homepage to something other than social media, keep good things close, and put friction between you and bad choices. Habits grow out of consistent contexts like the kitchen in the morning. She points to Charles Duhigg's The Power of Habit and James Clear's Atomic Habits on the habit loop.

• 09

  Giving advice builds confidence and helps the advice-giver too.

  If confidence is your barrier, find someone you can mentor who's working on the same goal, or find a mentor who'll coach you and help you believe in yourself. Explaining what works to someone else reminds you that you already know a lot, and that builds belief in your own ability to follow through.

• 10

  Build in grace and flexibility, because setbacks are normal.

  There's no silver bullet. Practice habits with some variety, such as different gym times, so you're good at backup plans. A setback 'means there's something right with you. You are human.' Get back on track with a fresh start or a partner.