It’s Not You: The Real Reason Adult Friendship Is So Hard & 3 Ways to Make It Easier

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Women's friendships tend to be deeper and more intense than men's

  Friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson, author of Fighting for Our Friendships, says research shows women experience more platonic intimacy in same-sex friendships. They tend to pair off one-on-one, which brings depth and accountability, while men gather in larger groups of casual friends where they can stay more anonymous. Women talk more about health and family; men more about sports and current events. Women integrate friends like siblings; men, like cousins.

• 02

  Three affinities hold women's friendships together: symmetry, support and secrecy

  Across anthropology, sociology and psychology, Jackson kept seeing the same three priorities. Symmetry is feeling equal and alike ("me too," "same"). Support is having each other's back, which research names as the top thing women want from same-sex friends. Secrecy means a shared "vault" of mutual self-disclosure. When tension appears, she suggests tracing it back to which of the three has shifted.

• 03

  No friendship is so close you don't have to say what you need

  Many women believe a real friend should just know, and that having to ask detracts from closeness. Jackson calls that unfair, since we don't expect mind-reading anywhere else. Unspoken needs lead to withdrawal: calling less, initiating less, "silently stacking offenses," until the other person is cut off without knowing why.

• 04

  Sharing is the glue, and sharing less is the first sign of strain

  If a friend tells someone else first about a promotion, pregnancy or health scare, it makes you question how close you are. Jackson notes some people were raised not to share their business and respects that, but challenges them to consider how close they feel to people if they never disclose.

• 05

  Women's friendships are deeper but end faster

  Research she cites finds girls have more former friendships than boys, and women's friendships dissolve at a faster rate. Jackson rejects the "girls are petty" explanation: when someone helps raise your kids and advises your career, there's more surface for friction. Someone you check in with quarterly rarely falls out with you.

• 06

  Friendship breakups can hurt longer than romantic ones

  Romantic relationships come with an expectation they might end; friendships rarely do. Some theories suggest women's friendships become part of self-concept, so losing one makes you question whether you're still funny or lovable. Mel shares a college friend she split with over 30 years ago, matching tattoos and all, whom she still thinks about because the ending holds a version of herself she regrets being.

• 07

  Envy and jealousy are normal; what you do with them matters

  Jackson distinguishes envy (two people: you have something I want) from jealousy (three: I fear losing you to someone else). Envy can reveal your own desires. Instead of avoiding the friend or making passive-aggressive remarks, coach yourself: her having isn't you lacking, and timing differs. For tender situations like infertility, it's fine to set a kind boundary such as skipping a baby shower but sending a gift.

• 08

  Women set higher expectations and register more "wrongs"

  Mel reads from Jackson's book: a review of 36 studies found women wanted more from close relationships than men, especially reciprocity and self-disclosure, and so identify more relational violations. One study tracking college dorms found most roommate reassignment requests came from women.

• 09

  Controlling friends are often driven by anxiety

  Jackson sees anxious attachment under possessiveness, like the friend who tracks your location and texts when you're out with someone else. To someone who recognizes it in herself: build multiple friendships so one person isn't your everything, and ask what you're afraid of if you loosen your grip.

• 10

  Half of friends turn over every seven years

  Research she cites finds people replace about half their friends every seven years. Jackson hopes it eases shame both about friendships ending and about making new friends at 42, and means we should keep inviting new people in. She adds that research finds 40% of adults don't have a best friend.