LIES About Adult FRIENDSHIP And The TRUTH You Need To Hear | The Mel Robbins Podcast
- Guest
- —
- Read time
- ~4 min
- Uploaded
- 31 Oct 2022
- Duration
- 1:02:25
- Views
- 722.9K
KEYPOINTS
- 01
Adult friendship is hard partly because of five lies we tell ourselves
Mel recorded this while trying to build a new circle after moving from Boston, where she lived 26 years, to a small town in southern Vermont. Her most viral post ever, with 140,000 likes and 10,000+ comments, read: "Making new friends as an adult is hard because the people I'd get along with best also don't want to leave their house." She argues five lies keep us lonely and stop us from doing the simple things that build friendships.
- 02
Lie 1: everyone else's life is a huge party
Scrolling other people's curated vacations and bachelorette trips sends you into what Mel calls "the toilet of comparison," invalidating your own life and killing any motivation to reach out. The truth: if you want your life to be a party, create it. Normal people aren't drinking margaritas in Ibiza; influencers are.
- 03
You don't need a big group, just a "4 a.m. friend"
Mel points to the research idea of a "4 a.m. friend": someone who'd pick up if you called at 4 a.m. simply because you were lonely, not in an emergency. If one person comes to mind, you're doing okay. She shares that she's extroverted at work but introverted in her personal life, and it's fine to prefer a small circle.
- 04
Lie 2: people don't like me
Mel admits her default assumption is that people are mad at her, and she adds emojis to texts to soften them. She attributes it to childhood wiring and an insecure attachment style. Believing it leaves your motivation to put yourself out there at "negative 27." She cites "liking gap" research from psychologists at Cornell, Harvard and Yale: people consistently underestimate how much others like them.
- 05
Not asking for support can make friends feel left out
Because of the liking gap, Mel hesitated to ask friends with podcasts for help launching her show, fearing she'd be a burden. Her lesson: when you don't ask, friends may assume your life is a party they weren't invited to. Her alternative is to walk into work or a party assuming people like you.
- 06
Lie 3: best friends are forever
The pressure to keep every best friend for life makes you hold on out of obligation, breeding resentment and leaving no room for new people. Mel's reframe: BFF means "best friends are flexible." Friendships rise and fall in intensity based on shared energy, goals and life patterns, not just history. Marriage, kids, sobriety or a new passion can shift who you're closest to without ending anything.
- 07
Lie 4: you have to be everybody's friend
Trying to be liked by everyone turns you into a people-pleaser. Mel quotes the line that you can be the ripest, juiciest peach, but some people don't like peaches. Stop disguising yourself as a plum; the more you show up as yourself, the more likely you are to find people who like peaches.
- 08
Lie 5: I'm too busy or too tired
Mel describes being addicted to busyness to cover loneliness, and worries that after COVID, staying home became the default. She says getting out the door after a day of Zoom calls takes "activation energy" — a term she tentatively credits to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. She cites the Harvard study that followed men for decades, which she says concluded the people around you bring life's greatest meaning.
EXAMPLES
- 01
"When's the last time we invited anybody?"
When Mel's kids hit high school, the built-in sports-parent social circle fractured while her career took her on the road. She saw friends posting from a country club and other gatherings, and complained to her husband Chris that they never got invited. He asked when they'd last invited anyone over.
- 02
Brendon Burchard's text
After her podcast launched with half a million downloads in a week, Mel's friend Brendon Burchard texted to ask whether he'd done something wrong, since mutual friends had promoted the launch and she hadn't asked him. She hadn't because he was launching his own podcast network and she didn't want to burden him.
- 03
The Dynamite Dahlia Dames
On a 4.5-mile loop near her house, Mel kept stopping at a mysterious acre of tulips, ranunculus and dahlias. A contractor's truck led her to the grower, Annette, whom she messaged on Instagram. Annette, working full time, was worried about digging out her dahlia bulbs, so Mel rallied women and 13 showed up one Saturday. Annette later texted that building her vision had been a hard, lonely path, and a group chat was born.
- 04
A video message from Glo Atanmo
Mel plays an unprompted video from author and podcaster Glo Atanmo, who read her a devotional passage about making mistakes as proof you're trying and fully alive, then said no need to reply. Mel shares it as the kind of random message that instantly makes you feel connected.
OTHER RELEVANT
- 01
Sort friends by reason, season or lifetime
Reason friends — coworkers, neighbors, team parents — are there for a stretch. Season friends span a chapter, like college or young-mom years. Lifetime friends are your 4 a.m. people. Don't force someone into the wrong category, and sometimes the kindest move is to graciously let them go.
- 02
Budget the hours friendship takes
Mel cites a University of Kansas study: students become acquaintances in about 43 hours and go from casual to good friends in about 57, while adults need about 94 hours to become casual friends and 164 to become good ones. After school stops grouping you with peers, you have to create that time.
- 03
Text one friend every day
Make it a morning habit to send an unexpected message or a quick selfie video from your walk. Mel says we underestimate how much hearing from us means, and cites research covered in The New York Times that an unexpected text from a friend creates an immediate sense of connection and strengthens the friendship.
- 04
Follow your curiosity to people
Mel's dahlia story started with an interest, not a networking plan. Lean toward what you love and see who's there.