A Masterclass on Dealing with Change: A 3-Step Process | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Transitions hurt because you're clinging to the shore while the boat leaves

  Harvard clinical psychologist Dr. Luana Marques, author of Bold Move, pictures a transition as a journey toward a new life: you hold on to the familiar shore with one hand and the departing boat with the other, and get stretched thin. That stretch is the panic and uncertainty people feel. Holding on is a form of avoidance; her advice is to let go and start swimming, because there's no ticket to a perfect life.

• 02

  In a transition, your values get questioned

  Marques defines values as intrinsic motivators — family, faith, wealth, integrity — that should act as your compass, though most of us notice them about as often as house paint. Values drive goals. When an old value no longer fits, pushing harder on it brings misery, and you end up living an emotion-driven life focused on avoiding discomfort rather than a values-driven one.

• 03

  Lean toward the pain to find your values

  Pain exists, Marques says, because a value that matters is being violated. A stranger's insult stings little; a loved one's hurts because you care. After her health scare she spent early mornings crying and asking why it hurt so much, and found the answer was impact: she wanted to help far more people than research papers reach, citing CDC data she described as roughly 40% of Americans reporting clinical-level anxiety and depression.

• 04

  Or notice when you feel your best

  The second route to values is studying moments of contentment and flow and asking why they matter. Marques could see Mel light up describing her family under one roof during the pandemic. Her own values include connection and family; her family eats dinner together daily and joined her on a work trip so she wouldn't be away from her son for five days.

• 05

  Many people are still forcing pre-pandemic values onto a changed life

  Marques sees a global value shift since COVID, with people wanting flexibility because family time was being compromised. Most haven't had the chance to pause and reflect, so they keep doing what used to work, get worse results, and blame their anxiety. In her practice, anxiety is now so high that patients' brains feel "locked" in fight-flight-freeze and can't take in new ideas as easily.

• 06

  There's no transition without discomfort

  Marques tells Mel her daughter will feel discomfort after graduating, and Mel will too; if they didn't, something would be wrong. Discomfort doesn't mean something bad is happening. The first thing a parent can do is let it exist instead of rushing to fix it, and calmly name it if it gets aimed at you: "It looks like you're upset and throwing it at me, and this isn't my transition."

• 07

  Rescuing people from hard feelings robs them

  Mel realizes that rushing in with scripts and phone calls to fix her kids' problems took away what they gain from facing discomfort, which is why some lessons kept repeating. Marques adds that avoiding pain only prolongs it. Parenting is imperfect, she notes, joking about a friend's "therapy jar."

• 08

  Feeling your feelings shortens them

  When her five-year-old has a tantrum, telling him to stop escalates it. Sitting beside him and naming the frustration lets his thinking brain come back online, and it lasts three minutes instead of 20. Marques points out Mel did it live: when asked about her own feelings, she switched to talking about her daughter, a classic avoidance tactic.

• 09

  Kids can't regulate themselves yet; adults must

  Marques says the brain isn't fully developed until about 30, so kids lack brakes and adults have to model pausing. She hears from teachers so anxious they run out of classrooms and sees parents stepping into normal playground bickering. Her view: everyone who touches a child, from janitors to bus drivers, can teach a little regulation.