This Life-Changing Conversation Will Help You Make Peace With Who You Are

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Moving on starts with looking honestly at your past

  Singer-songwriter Mon Rovîa says you can't let the past 'take you out of the world that you are meant to be a part of.' For years it did that to him while he 'wallowed,' blaming himself. Acceptance took years, not a moment, and he says you have to make quiet spaces, away from 'the loudness of the world,' to sit still and look at the truth.

• 02

  'Find another day' to quit

  On days he couldn't face his survivor's guilt or his feelings about his mother, he told himself to find another day to quit: not today. Mel points out why it works better than forced positivity. It admits how hard things are and gives permission to quit later, while still choosing to keep going today. He calls his whole life 'the art of continuing.'

• 03

  Being adopted doesn't mean you've 'been saved, so you're good'

  Mon says many adoptive families assume a rescued child is fine. His, he stresses, was amazing, but being pulled from your land, language and people leaves damage that a child has no words for. He didn't speak to his adoptive family for a long time; they thought something was wrong. Decades later he still dreams of being chased by child soldiers.

• 04

  You can fall in love with your suffering

  Mon believed 'I deserve bad things.' Falling in love with suffering, he says, is when you stop hearing the people who whisper 'don't say that about yourself.' Looking back, he felt he 'wasted a lot of time doing absolutely nothing for what my story deserves.'

• 05

  Notice the hands reaching toward you; you can't heal alone

  His turning point came from accepting help he had refused before. People often push helpers away, he says, out of fear that their darkness will swallow them. His advice is to notice who has stayed with you through dark nights, and to 'look to the helpers.' His song 'crooked the road,' which he performs at the end, is about accepting help.

• 06

  Turn guilt into growth, in small steps

  Mon felt survivor's guilt that he was the child chosen to leave when his sister or brother might have 'made more of the opportunity.' His reframe is to let growth take guilt's place. It doesn't happen overnight; even drinking one fewer beer one day counts. Mel describes it as moving from blaming yourself to seeing it as a gift, because you're meant to be here.

• 07

  Holding back isn't the same as not being able to speak

  When Mon said he wasn't a good speaker, Mel suggested he hadn't felt safe saying what he needed to say, and he agreed. He calls himself a 'watcher,' someone who steps back to protect himself. Music and journaling became the safe places where he could finally say it, and the lyrics often turn into something that helps others.

• 08

  Owning your whole story can bring peace

  Learning the painful truth about how he came to be gave Mon peace, because 'from violence still beautiful things can come.' Asked 'Who am I?', the question that haunted him, he now answers: 'John J Monrovia, son of Maria from Liberia, West Africa.'