6 Signs You’re Disconnected From Your Power and How to Get It Back | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  You can come home to yourself even if you never felt at home

  Dr. Thema Bryant, a psychologist, minister and Pepperdine professor named the American Psychological Association's first Black female president in 2023, calls disconnection 'psychological homelessness': wandering, ungrounded and confused. People raised amid stress or trauma often learned survival mode, playing small or people-pleasing, and never got to 'unfold.' Her good news is that you can still find your way home.

• 02

  Homecoming starts with telling yourself the truth

  The social script is 'I'm fine,' or in faith communities 'I'm blessed,' but you can be blessed and lost. Bryant wants people to be able to say "I miss myself." Recognising that you're disconnected is itself the first step, and she says it means your mind, body and spirit are ready.

• 03

  Six questions point to psychological homelessness

  Does your inner or outer life fall short of what you imagined? Did you get what you wanted and still feel empty? Do you feel powerless or hopeless? Have you lost energy for things that used to matter? Is there an ache you can't put into words? Do you cry often, or find it impossible to cry? Saying you don't know your purpose is another sign of disconnection.

• 04

  A 'bad attitude' can be irritable depression

  Bryant says people rarely meet attitude with compassion. But if family, culture or religion taught you that sadness is weakness, you may mask despair with anger and bitterness, like an iceberg. Fighting someone in warrior mode fails because they'll always out-combat you. Instead, soften, share a related experience of your own (transparency is contagious), or name what's happening in their life and ask what's helping or what they need.

• 05

  Excellence can hide unhealed wounds

  Some survivors cope through busyness and a 'spirit of excellence,' and when you're excellent, people don't notice your wounds, sometimes not even you. Late at night or in certain settings they show up still bleeding. Bryant defines healing as accepting and loving yourself so you have nothing to prove, quoting a Los Angeles life coach named Shannon: "I don't want to be driven, I want to be called."

• 06

  Don't keep your healing hostage to people who harmed you

  Waiting for an apology or for others to change ('if only my spouse, kids or supervisor would') lets you off the hook and can take a lifetime. Her line: the reason you feel unsettled is that you're not supposed to settle. Look at where you're settling and what you can shift.

• 07

  Act before you feel worthy

  Cultural, gender and religious messages can frame self-care as selfish, but you're not just a tool for nourishing others. Drawing on behavioural psychology, Bryant says waiting for high self-esteem before caring for yourself won't work, so start the actions first. That includes food ('can I say I'm eating this because I love myself?'), water, moderation and sleep.

• 08

  Peace can feel boring if you grew up with chaos

  If three episodes of Law & Order is how you relax before bed, Bryant asks why trauma feels soothing. People raised in high stress often find calm fake or dull, so homecoming means leaning into unfamiliar discomfort.

• 09

  Growth reveals who wants you whole

  People liked the silent, compliant, doormat version of you, so not everyone will celebrate your voice. Some relationships will end and some will change, which may involve grief. In toxic jobs or relationships you have to disconnect to survive, so have compassion for why you stayed.

• 10

  Therapy and spirituality both have a role

  Bryant defines therapy as a trained, licensed guide who journeys with you without judgment and without needing you to take care of them. She notes research that mental health professionals report lower spirituality than the general public, and defines spirituality as awareness of the sacred beyond what we can see. Believing you're worthy of what you haven't experienced takes faith in 'the more.'