3 Lessons From One of the Hardest Years of My Life | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Mel rates the past year a 97 out of 10 for difficulty

  Even as the podcast took off, Mel says she was burnt out after years of running on adrenaline, and felt more unhappy the more successful she became. For two years she lived alone in Boston while Chris and their son stayed with her mother-in-law three hours away in southern Vermont, where Oakley chose to attend school during the pandemic. A close person in her inner circle had been stealing from her and lying. She wasn't exercising, reached for alcohol to cope, and says photos show her looking 'grey like a dolphin.'

• 02

  Lesson one: life is always trying to teach you something

  Mel rejects the 'life is happening for you' cliché she used to hate, but reframes it as school. Easy times teach you what works; hard times show you what's broken. She calls herself a stubborn student: ignore the lesson and life brings out the sledgehammer.

• 03

  Friction marks where the lesson is

  Anywhere you feel friction (body, relationships, work, bank account) points to one of a few things: a broken process, broken relationships, the wrong people around you, or something no longer aligned with who you are. Mel says friction only grows until you address it. Looking back, she sees years of excusing people who lied to or betrayed her, until the betrayals got big enough to force the lesson.

• 04

  Friction even shows up in children

  When Oakley was in fourth grade he had full-on tantrums at homework time, cried before school and banged his head on the kitchen island. His body knew something was off. It turned out to be profound dyslexia, dysgraphia, and executive-function and attention issues.

• 05

  Lesson two: your excuses are just fear

  Too late, too old, too young, missed the window, would be a copycat: Mel says every excuse is fear of rejection, failure or disappointing others. Her examples include not going back to the gym because it's been three months, or skipping white kitchen cabinets because a friend already has them.

• 06

  Action is the answer to excuses

  Mel says you can reverse-engineer what others did and take one step a day. She finally launched the podcast when she got sick of the friction and denying herself the dream, deciding she didn't care if nobody invited her on their show or if it failed. You're doing it for yourself, not for money or to impress anyone.

• 07

  Lesson three: change isn't easy, but it's worth it and you're capable

  Go in expecting difficulty. Selling the Boston house where they raised their kids for 26 years, to end the split living, triggered a wave of grief and what Mel calls a big mental breakdown. With therapy and her first antidepressant in 20 years, she got through it. She openly credits Celexa as a ladder and says there's nothing wrong with needing medication.

• 08

  Mel ran her career like an emergency for a decade

  Her success began in crisis: liens on the house, bills unpaid, and Chris having left his business, getting sober and depressed. She says she never left that 'say yes to everything to stay afloat' mode and always assumed her luck would run out, which is why she eventually hit a wall.

• 09

  Even marriage fights can be broken processes

  Mel says most breakdowns with Chris come from a communication process failing: he retreats, she keeps going 55 miles an hour, and he feels rejected or taken advantage of. That doesn't mean they're bad people or the marriage is bad. It means a process needs fixing.