Why You Feel Lost in Life: Dr. Gabor Maté on Trauma & How to Heal

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Trauma is the wound inside you, not the event itself

  Maté defines trauma by its Greek root, 'wound': it is what happened inside you as a result of what happened to you. For him, the trauma wasn't being handed to a stranger but the belief he formed from it: that he was unwanted and not lovable enough. The blow to the head is the event; the concussion is the trauma.

• 02

  Nobody is damaged goods: most 'flaws' started as adaptations

  Shame, self-criticism, perfectionism, hypervigilance and shutting down began as sensible responses to difficult circumstances. A child who can't escape, fight back or ask for help may dissociate, and that protection then gets wired into the personality. In his words, these are 'perfectly normal responses to abnormal circumstances'.

• 03

  Children can be wounded by needs that go unmet, not only by bad things done to them

  Besides the 'big T' events (abuse, neglect, an addicted, jailed, mentally ill or dead parent, family violence, a bitter divorce, poverty, racism), Maté stresses needs that go unmet. These include unconditional acceptance, adults who understand a child's emotions, play, and 'rest': a relationship the child doesn't have to work to keep. A child told 'don't be so sensitive' learns that something is wrong with them.

• 04

  Stress during pregnancy reaches the baby, and this is not about blaming mothers

  Cortisol crosses the placenta and affects developing brain circuits. Maté links stress and depression in pregnancy with higher rates of ADHD and other mental health problems in children. He insists this isn't about blaming mothers, and he reframed Mel's guilt: pain flowed through her to her kids, but she didn't hurt them.

• 05

  Childhood trauma shows up in the body as well as the mind

  Maté says people with severe childhood trauma have measurably higher inflammation, raising their risk of autoimmune disease, cancer, depression and addiction. Trauma can switch genes on or off and dysregulate the stress system. Long-term stress hormones thin bones, raise blood pressure, suppress immunity and add belly fat. He also says asthma risk rises with experiences of racism.

• 06

  No two siblings have the same childhood

  Birth order, gender, the state of the marriage, money pressures and each child's temperament all change how a parent shows up. A child experiences how the parent actually behaves, not how much they are loved, so even a perfectly consistent parent would be experienced differently by each child.

• 07

  Unresolved trauma weakens your ability to handle stress, so you look for escape

  Trauma disrupts the brain circuits that develop the ability to regulate stress, leaving adults overwhelmed and looking for escape. Maté says his own relapses into addictive behaviour usually followed stress. In rat studies, pups handled poorly by their mothers developed normally when placed with attentive mothers. He calls this epigenetic, which means it can change.

• 08

  We play down our own childhoods because the truth was too painful

  Mel's husband Chris had a workaholic, heavy-drinking father but said he wasn't traumatised because there was food on the table. Maté's test is to imagine your own child in that house: would you tell them to stop complaining? He says this kind of dismissiveness, and a lack of self-compassion, are themselves signs of trauma.

• 09

  It's not your fault, but healing is your job

  Maté separates default from fault: you followed patterns programmed into you, so the shame isn't deserved. But he also rejects a victim mindset. Recognising what happened is simply where taking responsibility begins. He quotes trauma psychologist Peter Levine: the goal is to stop 'living under the tyranny of the past'.

• 10

  Some trauma looks like success

  The drive to prove he mattered made Maté a respected physician while he was depressed and unpredictable at home. A relentless effort to be attractive or look young can come from never feeling accepted as you were. Fear of hugs and emotional shutdown can also be old protective shells.