How to Deal With Betrayal and Take Your Power Back | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Before confronting someone who betrayed you, decide what you want

  Mel's first step is to ask your goal. Do you want to protect your business and your peace? Repair the relationship? Make them wrong, get a 'gotcha', or pursue them legally? What do you need to say for closure? She chose not to confront the person who stole from her business, but says she'd decide differently in other situations, and in the past she has involved a lawyer.

• 02

  Your peace of mind can be worth more than getting the money back

  Because the person was in another country, Mel weighed the time, energy and emotional cost of legal action and decided it was too high. She had already put so much into the situation that looking backward would only bring more stress. So she protected the business, took the lesson and moved on.

• 03

  You can forgive someone and still not let them back in

  Sometimes you need to say out loud: 'I know what you did, I won't surround myself with people who do this, I forgive you, but you're not welcome back in my life.' Forgiveness doesn't require a second chance.

• 04

  If you want to keep the relationship, start with an apology and describe the impact

  Mel's opener: 'I need to apologise for something: I should have come to you sooner.' Starting this way lowers defensiveness. Then take responsibility for how it's affecting you and describe how their behaviour makes you feel, instead of listing what they did.

• 05

  Their reaction tells you everything

  If they say 'that's ridiculous, you're too sensitive', you have your answer. If they say 'I had no idea, I feel terrible, what can I do?', that's a relationship worth saving. When Sonia said people in her life simply weren't interested in how they'd affected her, Mel told her that's all she needs to know.

• 06

  Closure doesn't require a conversation

  Mel argues that when we chase someone down 'for closure', we're often really looking for confirmation or reassurance, which we can give ourselves. If you're clear on your boundaries and their behaviour has already shown you who they are, you can move on without resolving anything with them.

• 07

  Look for the pattern that keeps repeating

  Mel says patterns repeat until you learn the lesson. Looking back after the business betrayal, she saw a recurring type in her inner circle: people who turned out to be mean, gossiped behind others' backs, and left her scared to leave. Ask which personality types or dynamics keep drawing you in.

• 08

  The betrayal is about their pain, not your worth

  Speaking as someone who has been both betrayed and, earlier in life, the betrayer, Mel says cheating, lying and stealing come from the other person's trauma, coping mechanisms and avoidance. People reach for the quick rush of cocaine, sex, secret flirting or stealing to escape pain they won't face. That doesn't make it hurt less, but it doesn't decide whether you're lovable.

• 09

  Give yourself about a year to grieve

  Mel says you're grieving both the reality you thought you had and the future you expected, which is deeply destabilising. Give yourself around a year to move through the anger and the 'how could I not see it?' At some point you'll be saturated with the misery and start to feel sorry for the person, and that empathy is what finally releases it.

• 10

  A marriage can survive infidelity, but only if both people do the work

  Mel believes any relationship can come out stronger if both people show up: one to forgive and the other to face what led to the betrayal. She says she knows no couple who regretted working through something in therapy, but does know divorced people who wish they'd tried. Even if you split, the work makes you better co-parents and friends.