The Manipulation Expert: 4 Hidden Signs You’re Dealing With a Toxic Person

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Most people are good, but one poisonous person can cause most of your stress

  Dr. Leanne ten Brinke, a forensic psychology professor who runs the Truth and Trust Lab at the University of British Columbia and author of Poisonous People, says about 10% of people endorse the self-report statements used to measure dark traits. That means nine in ten are honest, kind and helpful. The rest (the manipulative sister-in-law, the credit-stealing boss, the callous mother-in-law) divide people, erode norms of polite conduct and turn cooperation into competition. Mel calls them 'the one person causing 90% of the stress.'

• 02

  Personality is consistent, so watch how they treat everyone else

  A personality is a consistent way of thinking, feeling and behaving, so people take it everywhere. Someone may build a beautiful future with you while being callous and dominating with everyone else. Ten Brinke warns that if you're the exception, eventually 'you're going to become part of the rule'.

• 03

  The four dark traits share manipulation at the core

  The 'dark tetrad' is psychopathy, narcissism, Machiavellianism and sadism. Ten Brinke defines manipulation as a willingness to use other people for your own ends, pulling their strings and changing their perspective. Each trait runs on a continuum rather than being a yes-or-no label.

• 04

  Psychopathy: callous, manipulative, impulsive, antisocial

  Following Dr. Robert Hare's model, impulsivity means responding to risk differently, often mooching off others instead of planning a career or family. Antisocial means breaking rules, whether laws, workplace conduct or social norms of fairness and politeness. The everyday high end isn't a horror-movie killer. It's someone who lies a lot and is superficially charming, whose conversation makes little sense when you think about it later, and who doesn't care. A lack of guilt and remorse is central, and grudges are common.

• 05

  Machiavellianism: amoral, strategic pursuit of status

  Machiavellians want status, control, fame or money. They'll flatter to get ahead and are just as willing to spread rumours or lie. Unlike impulsive psychopaths, they plan, filing away something embarrassing you said to use later when they need to turn the screws. At work they subtly push people out and manage up. In families they create divisions and may become the drama-stirring favourite.

• 06

  Narcissism: entitlement plus exploitation, in two flavours

  Grandiose narcissists have egos that can't be deflated and get furious at failures like a missed job, promotion or raise. Vulnerable narcissists have easily shattered egos, depend on ego boosts from others, and are hurt most by rejection. Ten Brinke uses a broken-mirror image: what you see isn't what you get.

• 07

  Sadism: an appetite for cruelty

  Sadism centres on enjoying other people's pain. Ten Brinke once coded descriptions of sexual homicides for gratuitous violence as an undergraduate, but she stresses there are everyday versions too, such as relishing very violent sports or cruel videos online.

• 08

  No. 1 sign of manipulation: they're different with you than with everyone else

  If someone wants your time, money or influence and acts like a different person around you, you're probably not seeing who they really are. Love bombing (constant texts, flowers, 'they want the same things I do') is a classic early version. Charm switches on when they need something and disappears once they've got it.

• 09

  Gaslighting is abuse, not disagreement

  The word is overused for ordinary confusion or different interpretations. Real gaslighting tries to make you distrust your own mind, memories and reactions by creating a surreal environment. Because brains are 'prediction machines', constant feedback that your predictions are wrong is destabilising and breeds dependence and isolation. Research is relatively thin, but people high in dark traits endorse these tactics in romantic relationships.

• 10

  Don't expect change, so be strategic instead

  Mel cites Dr. Ramani Durvasula: the real source of pain is the hope that the person will change if you bake more cupcakes, lower your voice or stay ten more years. Ten Brinke agrees. Research, mostly with incarcerated men, shows that sustained therapy can bring harm reduction, not a personality 180. Her advice is to pause, assess, then either avoid them or engage strategically, thinking about what motivates them.