Feeling Stuck Right Now? Stop Looking In The Wrong Place | The Mel Robbins Podcast
- Guest
- Ricki
- Read time
- ~5 min
- Uploaded
- 15 May 2023
- Duration
- 1:01:52
- Views
- 119.8K
KEYPOINTS
- 01
If you keep getting stuck, you may be working on the wrong problem
Mel opens with a weed in her old Boston garden: tall fescue clumps that kept appearing among her irises, peonies and daisies. After a week of rain she dug gently instead of yanking and found one root running about 10 feet under the lawn, feeding every clump. Her point is that recurring problems, like dating 'another loser' or the same fight with your mother, often share a deeper root. Cutting them off at the surface only lets them sprout again.
- 02
Ricki's problems all seemed separate
Ricki, 44, told Mel she felt like she was in quicksand despite years of self-help books and programs. Her job paid the bills but wasn't fulfilling. She had gained 30 pounds and was in the worst shape of her life. She had expected to be married with kids by now, and her relationship with herself was poor. From the outside, she said, friends thought her life looked great.
- 03
The 'bad news': your own story is the biggest obstacle
Mel told Ricki she'd have to push through the resignation and emotion that had built up. Ricki said the change felt like an insurmountable mountain. Mel said it only feels that way because she'd convinced herself it was too late. The actual work to get fit, find fulfilling work and like yourself is 'the same work everybody needs to do'.
- 04
Your daily habits come to match what you believe
When Mel said her best years were ahead, Ricki heard a voice calling it 'BS' and saying her best years were her 20s. Mel's explanation: after years of telling herself it wasn't going to happen, Ricki's routines had lined up with someone who believes her best days are behind her. That's why she let her health slide, settled for a draining job and lowered her standards in dating. The fix is to live the daily life of someone who believes the opposite.
- 05
Unresolved grief can quietly change your whole life
Mel guessed something had derailed Ricki in her late 20s or 30s. Ricki's father died when she was 28, followed by depression and a series of painful breakups. Mel suggested she had spent a decade grieving and was stuck in a kind of freeze response: hunkered down, no longer dreaming, focused on getting through each day. Ricki said she'd never connected being stuck to his death and thought she had moved on.
- 06
The relationships may have been about grief, not her worth
Ricki was embarrassed that she kept believing relationships would go somewhere when they didn't, and saw herself as a failure. Mel offered another view: she was entering relationships with a hole that grief had left, wanting to feel safe again. So she fell fast and 'misread the room'. Mel told her there's nothing wrong with her.
- 07
Letting love in is the deeper breakthrough
Mel describes trading her heart's 'impenetrable' castle door for swinging restaurant-kitchen doors that let love go out and come back in. Ricki pushed back: she's the friend and sister who's always there for others. Mel said that being 'the rock' often blocks love coming in, as do self-criticism and lines like 'I'm okay, I can handle this on my own'.
- 08
Ricki had quietly put an expiration date on her dreams
Asked what changed when her dad died, Ricki said she had always wanted to make him proud and felt she'd lost the chance, even though he told her before he died that he was proud. She just wasn't proud of herself. Mel called it 'quietly quitting' on her own ambition and told her Joe is still watching, and that she has her whole life to make herself proud.
EXAMPLES
- 01
The gym locker
Partway through, Ricki remembered she used to love working out and running. She learned of her father's death right after a workout, opening her locker to find several messages from her sister and insisting her sister tell her right then. She kept going to the gym afterward, but it never had the same momentum. Mel said it makes sense that a traumatic moment drained the joy from something she loved.
- 02
Bringing back acting, singing and writing
Asked what she did in her 20s that she no longer does, Ricki said taking risks, acting, singing and writing. Mel suggested acting classes, auditions, community theater or summer stock, and pointed out that these involve love flowing back from castmates and audiences. She said a job change alone wouldn't go deep enough.
- 03
Mel at 44
In 2013, at Ricki's age, Mel was $800,000 in debt with liens on the house. Chris was leaving a failing restaurant that hadn't paid him in six months and was too depressed to function. She was struggling with drinking and working two jobs. She had no book, podcast or social media, and her TEDx talk had only just gone online. That's why she says she means it when she tells Ricki her best years are ahead.
- 04
Ricki's update from the cemetery
Ricki went to her father's grave on what turned out to be the 16th anniversary of his burial. She brought tulips, which he used to plant in their front yard. She read her letter, told him about giving up and not working out, and promised to keep making him proud. She says she believes her life will be 'unrecognizable this time next year'.
OTHER RELEVANT
- 01
Write a letter to the person you lost
Mel's assignment: thank them, say you miss them, and promise what you'll bring back into your life. For Ricki, that was acting, singing, writing and running. If you can, read it aloud at their grave. Mel believes this deeper motivation will do more than any formula.
- 02
The 'then vs. now' comparison
Draw a line down a page. On the left, describe an average week when you felt most alive: wake time, friends, exercise, hobbies, creative outlets. On the right, describe your weeks now. Compare them, because the gaps show what to add back.
- 03
Pair your 'why' with a simple 'how'
Mel says research shows lasting change needs both a reason and a method. Ricki already knows how to audition and sing. Her 'why' is permission to be happy and proud. Turn it into weekly steps, like one singing group and one audition a week. To get moving, walk 10 minutes a day outside 'like you're late'.