288 ‒ The impact of gratitude, serving others, embracing mortality, and living intentionally

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Walter Green sees his life as three 29-year stages

  Walter is about to turn 85. He describes the first 28–29 years as finding himself, the next 29 as making himself, and the last 29 as giving back. He says he has spent the last 30 years in mentoring and philanthropy rather than business.

• 02

  A childhood of loss taught him that life can be short and that relationships matter

  His father put about $4,000 of savings into an Adirondacks dude ranch, and a flood that wiped out the bridge bankrupted the family. They moved into a two-bedroom flat in the Bronx with grandparents who didn't speak English, and Walter lived in 16 different cities growing up. His mother got breast cancer when he was nine. His father died of a heart attack at 53, two months after Walter left for the University of Michigan, and an uncle also died at 53. He later calls this deprivation an advantage.

• 03

  A breakdown at 22 was born of empathy, and he kept it secret for 40 years

  Two months into selling rags in Pittsburgh, he was praised and told the older man training him would be let go once Walter learned the job. He couldn't get out of bed and was hospitalized for two to three months, followed by two years of therapy. He didn't talk about it for 40 years because of the stigma around mental hospitals. He says he was terrified of failing, failed, and survived.

• 04

  The fear of dying at 53 shaped how fast he lived

  He became president of an executive conference-centre company at 32, with 400 employees. Over the next 25 years he became its major shareholder, growing it to 10 centres running about 6,000 conferences a year for 150,000 executives. He never had a long-term view of his life because he assumed he would die at 53 like his father. So he became 'really good at deciding what I don't do'.

• 05

  Thinking in reverse: define success before you start

  In his 30s, a course with Fred Jervis at the Center for Constructive Change taught him to start every important interaction, including personal ones, by asking: 'If this is really successful, what will have happened by the end?' He applies it to meetings, health targets and his life plan. For over 40 years he has written out an ideal next few years; the horizon has shrunk from five years to one. Saying no gets easier because anything that doesn't serve the outcome is easy to drop.

• 06

  His tributes began at his 50th birthday

  He invited his five closest friends, their spouses and his family, 17 people, to New York for the opening weekend of Phantom of the Opera. At the reception he paid tribute to each friend in front of everyone, explaining specifically how each had enriched his life. He says a tribute in front of a group is far more powerful than a private one.

• 07

  At 70 he spent 11 months thanking 44 people in person

  Tim Russert's death in his early 50s, and the crowds at the funeral he never got to see, combined with turning 70 to prompt a gratitude journey. Walter visited 44 people in Kenya, Mexico, Canada and across the US, combining trips where he could. He insists that most listeners have at least one such person, and that one is enough to start.

• 08

  Each meeting followed the same four 'bases'

  First, how they met. Second, the experiences they shared. Third, the main one: reading from a prepared legal pad exactly why that person mattered, with specifics rather than a general 'I love you'. Fourth, asking each person for one piece of a 'mosaic' of who Walter is. He recorded every conversation. Because appreciation is hard to take in during the moment, he later mailed each person a framed photo, a 120-word letter and a CD of the conversation.

• 09

  Deep friendship rests on authenticity, empathy and compassion

  Asked why he is the first or second person his peers turn to with a problem, Walter credits authenticity, empathy and compassion, which he believes everyone has but not everyone uses. He has spent about 800 sessions, roughly 4,000 hours, in groups of 10–12 company presidents, some lasting 37 years. Not all 44 people were close friends: one was a blind man in New Hampshire who taught him how to think.

• 10

  We save our best words for funerals, and the dying want to hear them first

  Walter cites a hospice nurse who said that for months before death her patients' central belief was that they don't matter to anyone, and that her own ideal death would include hearing that she mattered. Peter points out how absurd it is to let people die believing that, then praise them at their funerals. Walter blames custom and a lack of models.